Tuesday, December 1, 2009

AT Mr. Toast's First Annual...

Gretchen's "Red Carpet Arrival," posing for the paparazzi. One of the women journalists covering this event shouted out, "Who are you wearing?"

Before I could come to her aid, and without blinking an eye, Gretchen answered in a German accent, "Stella McCartney."

I tried to tell them I was wearing a suit from British Designer Paul Smith... but they weren't interested in me!!!

Another one asked, "How do you like America?"

Again, Gretchen calmly answered with a smile, and an accent. "I love this beautiful country! The people I've met are wonderful!"

She's been coached by someone!!!

And, like at last evening's dinner, Gretchen again brought long-stemmed yellow roses, and presented them to all the ladies, as I lugged in a case of fine California champagne.

"Für dich..."

And so, we have officially arrived at "Mr. Toasts First Annual Christmas Tea!" It is really a treat, to see so many people... some I know, others I don't.

But after all... the purpose is for everyone to get aquainted, and re-acquainted. Like a family reunion. You know, when some long-lost relative starts a fight with another long-lost relative, and what started out as a nice party, turns into a nightmare from hell... complete with thrown food, post-traumatic stress disorders, crying babies, ambulances, and riot police! But I digress...

For those of you that don't know me, my name is Skip Simpson. I'm a multi-billionaire, and I'm single...

Whoa!!! Back ladies!!! Heh heh...

I am currently semi-retired from a successful career that included, Award Winning Screenwriter, Concept Artist, Opening Act in Las Vegas for Carrot Top, Pitchman on late-night television for the "Wonder Chopper," Second-String Quarterback for the 1978 Cleveland Gerbils, Family-Planning Counselor in Wasilla, Alaska, Greeter at Wal-Mart, and International Spy.

Lately, I've re-teamed with my writing partner of many years ago, Mr. David M. Lynch, or as I call him... "The Foxster." We run a highly successful studio in Alabama, which is losing money faster than water through a sieve, which we have creatively named "Simpson/Lynch Studios". I'm proud to say, through our involvement in many legititimate business concerns, and many more illegitimate, we make more money in a single hour, than Microsoft does in an entire year!

Accompanying me on this trip, is my faithful and devoted "personal assistant," Gretchen Von Grüber who, as she said, is wearing a dress from British designer Stella McCartney. Also accompanying me on this trip... is her entire damn family, who have an "Oompah Band." They'll be playing outside. I tried to locate them as far away as possible, and if we keep the doors shut, the windows down, and talk really really loud... I'm sure we'll barely hear them!

I've put together a quick "slideshow" of the festivities thus far... so if someone could get the lights? Ah... thank you, Mr. Toast!

Gretchen's family requests that we watch the "Bavarian Dance Of Joy." Her uncle, Kris Von Grüber (whom I've nicknamed "Uncle Santa") cornered me beforehand, and with a sly wink, put his finger aside of his red nose, nodded and said I had to "learn this dance for the Big Wedding Day."

Then, up the chimney he rose...

So, I'm supposed to learn this dance...

Yeah... as IF!!!

Check back later, as I will be giving a toast, and also be playing some quiet jazz on the piano, at the "After Tea Reception." Hope to see you all there! Plus, Gretchen has hinted she wants to "surprise" everyone. I have NO idea what she has planned!

Enjoy the Tea Party!


  1. Bavarian Dance Of JOY??!! I just fell off my chair laughing!!! (Betsy will get this inside joke)

    Are you sure there's not going to be a wedding?

  2. ROTFL...Skip,I haven't laughed this hard since last night's flash card escapade...Oh, what a treat you are!

  3. Skip,
    You are truly a trip. Can't wait to hear your band. The party wouldn't be the same without you! I hear you're emcing the Oscars...is this correct?
    btw... we are both playing the piano. :)
    The Bach

  4. Bach... I checked the piano earlier to see if it was in tune. You might want to double-check.

  5. Oh my gosh, this is AMAZING! WOW Skip. Can'I wait for your toast. I have included it for all to enjoy when i mote my After Tea Reception coming up at 7:00 pm MSY. How many roses does that Gretchen have, btw? Incredible! No, no, i shalln't do that dance either. I'd never be able to walk after all that!

  6. Guys, if I can do the dance -- Gretchen's Uncle Kris taught it too me a couple of days ago after a few syeins of beer -- you can, too!

  7. Oops. I meant "to" and "steins!" Hey, the beer's always flowing here in the backyard! So what if Uncle Kris' band is in Aspen with their lovely niece?

  8. And here I was, feeling sorry about you and Tara back in Alabama with nothing to do!