Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Pardon Me, Do You Have Any Grey Poupon?

Well, hello all you Hoppy Poople, from me... "The Soused Chef!" (Already "half-soused," and hoisting his 32-ounce plastic "Big Gulp" cup filled to the brim with Franzia® "Sunset Blush" out of a box, toasts his Gentle Readers.)

I hope your Christmas was a very happy one, and you enjoyed the Prime Rib of Beef Au Jus, that I told you how to make last time. Mine was... okay... I... (starts sobbing with the bitter memory of a really lousy Christmas).

All I got... was a Gift Box Selection of Grey Poupon® Dijon Mustards! And that was only because the delivery guy dropped it off on my doorstep by mistake!

(Finally composes himself, and chugs the entire cup of wine. Tosses the empty cup over his shoulder.) But at least the good thing about this, is that the Dijon Mustards contain booze! I guess if you run out of the hootch on a late Saturday night, you could chug a jar of "Grey Poupon® Savory Honey!"

(Wipes tear from eye.) But now the New Year is fast approaching, and I personally think it's probably the most depressing holiday of the year! That dreadful song, "Auld Lang Syne" reminds me of a funeral dirge, and I have to stay at home because of all the "amateur drunks" on the road, making it dangerous for all us "professional drunks."

But a nice elderly lady named "Starr," moved in the apartment right next door, and has graciously accepted my invitation for a New Year's Eve candlelight dinner in my bachelor pad.

Now the question is, gentle readers... what to prepare for Starr? I asked her what her favorite food was, and she answered "St. Patrick's Day."
"Excuse me?" I responded.
"Ya know... that stuff you have on St. Patrick's Day."
"Corned Beef and Cabbage?"
"Yeah! That's it!!! Corned Beef and Cabbage! Gawd... I'd do anything for Corned Beef and Cabbage!" She licked her lips and made a "yummy sound."
That sealed it in my mind right then and there!!! Fortuously, while spending a lonely Christmas Day reading the little Recipe Booklet that accompanied the Mustard Selection, there was an easy recipe for a Corned Beef, Potato and Cabbage Salad! And I want to share the recipe with my gentle readers!

Plus, a recipe for something called a "Grey Poupon® Bloody Mary."

It calls for Vodka... and I know I have that! Yep... right here in the old liquor cab... (realizing the liquor cabinet is missing a bottle of Vodka, he frantically begins searching for a bottle of Vodka that his best friend "The Fox," has cleverly hidden again, in order to continually "mess with his head." Finally locating it in the "relatively unused" upstairs utility closet, he discovers an accompanying note reading, "BwahaHA! T.F.," and a crudely drawn picture of a hand holding up a middle finger.)

(Victoriously he takes a big swig out of the bottle, with a loud "Cowabunga!!!")
Now we need to go down to our favorite supermarket, and pick up the following things for ourselves:
1 Bottle of Extra Virgin Olive Oil (Rachael Ray uses it all the time, and I think she's hot), 1 Bottle of Cider Vinegar, 1 Jar of Grey Poupon ® Harvest Course Ground Mustard, 1 Jar of Grey Poupon ® Spicy Brown Mustard, 1 Bottle of Worcestershire Sauce, 1 Bottle of Tomato Juice (I like to use V-8 ®, because it gives you "2 full healthy servings of vegetables," which is a good thing to have in the booze. Plus... Starr looks very healthy for an elderly lady, and I want to keep her that way.), 2 lbs. New Potatoes, 1 pkg. Celery Stalks, 1 16 oz. Bag of Coleslaw Blend, Half a Pound of Corned Beef and finally, one of those cute little plastic Lemon Juice squeezit thingies.
Go to the friendly, smiling teenaged gal, with a name badge reading "Buffy," at the front register, and pay for all this. While scanning your purchase, Buffy will invariably ask you, "Did you find everything okay?" If you want to be a real smartass, you can answer, "Well, Buffy... I can't figure out for the life of me, why you have the cans of tuna fish in the jelly aisle," leaving Buffy with a very confused look on her face, and giving yourself a cheap chuckle as you walk out.
You also might want to stop by the Package Store, and get a few more bottles of Vodka. After all, it could be a long night.
After putting away the groceries, we now sit and wait patiently for New Year's Eve to arrive. I like to pass the time watching the pendulum swing back and forth, in the grandfather clock in the living room. Occasionally, I might peek through the front window, in case Starr is trying to sneak out.
Finally, the big night arrives!
Corned Beef, Potato & Cabbage Salad
1/2 cup olive oil, 1/4 cup cider vinegar, 1/3 cup Grey Poupon ®Harvest Coarse Ground Mustard, 1 bag (16 oz.) coleslaw blend, 2 lb. new potatoes, cooked and quartered, 1/2 lb. corned beef, chopped.
Mix oil, vinegar and mustard in large bowl. Stir in coleslaw blend. Add remaining ingredients; toss to coat. Cover.Refrigerate at least 1 hour before serving.

Grey Poupon ® Bloody Mary
1-1/2 oz. Vodka, 3 oz. tomato juice, 1/2 tsp. lemon juice, 1/2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce, 1 tsp. Grey Poupon ® Spicy Brown Mustard.
Mix all ingredients except celery. Serve over ice cubes in tall glass. Add celery stalk. Makes 1 serving. (You'll probably want to make a few pitchers.)
Oopsie! There's a knock on my door... "Come on in! It's unlocked!"
Starr walked in really upset about something. Finally she calmed down enough to tell me what it was.
"I am really freakin' pissed! I was supposed to get a present from my parents delivered for Christmas, and it has never arrived! It was a Gift Assortment of Grey Poupon® Dijon Mustard! By the way, what's cooking?"
Your Best Friend In Cooking,

The Soused Chef


  1. Ha! Life intersects at the corner of Fate and Grey Poupon,

  2. Erm.....question for you, Skip: Exactly HOW is "Star" going to get through the door?

  3. She looks a little like Gretchen!

  4. Ronda: And life really begins to suck, when you realize you've reached, "The Boulevard Of Broken Dreams."
    AngelMay: It's a BIG door...
    Betsy: Gee. Do you think there's a pattern emerging here???

  5. I second Betsy's "Gretchen" remark.

    I do not say "Bwahaha."

    I do, however, draw crude pictures which give "the finger."

    Followed your recipe up until the "toss to coat" part. Thanks for nothing! What a dumb instruction. Now I have "poupy" coleslaw all over my favorite winter coat, and it's 9 freakin' degrees here tonight!

    I hear the Grey Poupon company has its own university for chefs, Poupon U.

  6. Silver Fox: I'm sorry about your coat, and that you misread the instructions. However, according to Julia Child... you can turn any kitchen disaster into a blessing in disguise. Simply take your winter coat... carefully lay it on your dining room table, and let your guests scoop up the good food from that! If you place some festive holiday garland around it, no one will ever be the wiser! Nevertheless, it'll be a dinner party people will talk about for years to come!

  7. Well, I don;'t know if she looks that much like Gretchen...oh, umm. yes, well perhaps a tad so.

    I make it my aim to avoid Grey Poupon--and excess alcohol for that matter. It's hard enough wanting to be trim as it is!

  8. You know your wine, man! Happy New Year to you.

  9. Well, my blog roll starts anew tomorrow. I'd be honored if you participate again in 2010. Leave a comment and you're on the blog roll! Thanks for visiting and commenting in 2009.

  10. Just wanted to wish you and grethcen and Foxter a very happy new year indeed! Looking forward to the party!

  11. Thanks, Mr. Toast. But not Tara and Kato? ;-)

  12. Oh, umm, well they need to srat their own blogs so I can get to know them better! LOL.