Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What Is This, a Freakin' Divorce? ~~ A Theme Thursday Halloween Post... almost.

Oh, good grief!

Hi, friends. David M. Lynch here, flying solo for a change...

This was supposed to be a Halloween post for Theme Thursday. Skip and I started drafting an appropriate post -- still unfinished, sad to say -- a few days ago. But now, the only connection -- tenuous at best, admittedly -- that today's post has to Halloween is that my opening quote, "Oh, good grief!" is reminiscent of "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!"

Let me explain:

First, Skip posted an otherwise-inoffensive entry on his usually-excellent mediocre site, Skip's Stuff. In it, he was touchingly and humorously pathetically asking for female companionship. However, in this post, he also claimed that some totally made-up dialogue was mine.

Inexcusable, thought I. He could have asked for a bona fide "special guest appearance" from Ye Olde Silver Fox, right? I mean, he has my home phone number -- well, "had," as I changed it earlier today -- and never hesitated to call before, drunk & whining about his romantic failures at 4-freakin'-a.m.!

Not to mention, he keeps calling me "Foxster." But I digress...

Still... Okay, okay, maybe -- maybe -- I overreacted, just a tad. I posted some incriminating photos of Skip, which I've had for over twenty-five years, on my The Lair of the Silver Fox blog. He quite reasonably childishly took umbrage at said photos, and... and...

And then, after reading some comments which seemed boastful at best, I cautiously visited this site, formerly known as "Simpson/Lynch Studios," and found our new header(s) -- shown above -- courtesy of the Skipster himself. This, after all the times we've shared great personal bonding experiences I've put up with him, and been inspired by his creative ideas "carried" him during our joint efforts?!?

I suppose he's forgotten what it means to tick off an Irish Scorpio!

Or, to put it more succinctly...


Hey, wait a minute! Speaking of "flying solo," as I did when I began this post...

Skip's got custody of the freakin' plane!

Umm... Anyway... Happy Halloween, y'all.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Splitsville

Ha ha! I contacted Bernie, my attorney, and he said that "in the case of a divorce, or a partnership dissolution, each partner in said matter as listed above, do hereby and forthwith, share in whatever property is jointly held at the time, including but not limited to children, or any other type of evil spawn. Novus ordo seclorem."
In other words... I'm taking MY half of this site, and moving it to Alabama!!!
Bwahahaha!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Why, I Oughtta...!


I just checked out "Skip's Stuff," the blog of my writing partner and so-called "friend," Skip Simpson, where he seems to be turning the blog into "Sgt. Skipster's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

I found a supposed "conversation" between Skip and myself!

I'm referred to as "SF676756." Here's some of "my" dialogue (and for the full post, click here):

SF676756: Stop calling me [Foxster]!!! What gives you the right to call yourself a gentleman??? LOL!!! ROFL!!!
Skipster1951: The same right you have to run around in a Zorro outfit, I guess... :P
SF676756: I'll ignore that! I'd advise you to stop misrepresenting yourself to your female viewers, otherwise I'll be forced to post the pictures I've kept since 1983!!!

DA NOIVE!

I didn't write any of that! How dare he even suggest I'd use "LOL" or "ROFL?" In a word: Ewwww!

(Although I really do hate it when he calls me "Foxster!")

Well, I'm not gonna take this lying down. In fact, his own post gave me the idea as far as how to "get even"with him. Heh, heh, heh.

The following pictures are from the early 1980s, fellow babies!

None of the guys in this photo are gay or anything. Just sayin'.

This is the "romantic at heart" who's looking for a date, ladies!

Hm. He's "looking for someone to share some time"
with him? Or do some time with him?

How do you like those apples, "Skipster?" That oughtta teach you to mess with the Foxst- I mean, The Silver Fox!

Whose freakin' idea was it to revive this razzer-frazzer partnership, anyway?!?

Thanks for your time.

It's Tough Being Single...

Yep. These are the guys that I always seem to be competing against, to find a nice lady.



And people wonder why I drink...

But, if I HAD to record something, it would probably go like this:

"Hi! My name is Skip. I'm a gentleman..."

Excuse me! Seems I just got an instant message from "The Silver Fox..."

SF676756: What??? A GENTLEMAN???
Skipster1951: Oh, hi Foxster!
SF676756: Stop calling me that!!! What gives you the right to call yourself a gentleman??? LOL!!! ROFL!!!
Skipster1951: The same right you have to run around in a Zorro outfit, I guess... :P
SF676756: I'll ignore that! I'd advise you to stop misrepresenting yourself to your female viewers, otherwise I'll be forced to post the pictures I've kept since 1983!!!
Skipster1951: Okay, Foxster! :P
SF76756: @*#&$!!! :((SF76756 has signed off)

I wonder how he always seems to know what I'm writing???

Ahem. To continue:

"I'm a "GENTLEMAN," who enjoys traveling, eating out in fine restaurants, painting landscapes, casinos, movies, watching DVDs, playing computer games, reading, writing screenplays, cooking, James Bond movies, and music (especially singing karaoke like Sinatra). I love just sitting back during the rain, sipping a nice wine, and listening to classical music. I'm early retired, and can pretty much come and go as I want. I'm looking for someone to share some time, go places with, and who knows? . I'm NOT into motorcycles, horses, or NASCAR... but I could probably land a Boeing 777 in an emergency! LOL I'm proud to say I'm a Democrat. I hate arguments, and have been known to walk out of the room, or out of the relationship, if they seem to occur too often. I'm a romantic at heart ("Phantom Of The Opera" is my favorite Broadway musical), who also believes in equality. I'm spiritual, but not religious. Ladies tell me I'm funny, look like Alan Alda, and I'm a good dancer. My favorite meal is Prime Rib, (which I can also cook). Basically, I'm set in my ways, and very comfortable with that. When I find the right lady, "I'll give you a daisy a day" (an old Jud Strunk song that causes me to "tear up" all the time). Looks are not all that important, as I believe a woman's true beauty lies within her heart. People have told me I have a very outgoing personality... but I guess you'd have to judge that for yourself. Oh yeah... I also like to have fun! I'll be looking to hear from you! Or maybe even an unmarried sister... or the divorced lady from next door... or... or..."

Ya know... I'm gonna be putting the Foxster on "ignore..."

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Our First Try at Producing a TV Series

Some of you may have heard of our disastrous attempt at producing our first TV series. On paper, it looked pretty good. We were going to update that classic detective show, "Peter Gunn." We figured it couldn't miss! After all, it had a sexy private eye, film noir elements, a jazzy background score (literally)... We figured the viewing audience would love it! So we got the green light from one of the networks, and went ahead casting the pivotal role of our lead character.

Unfortunately, virtually every A-List actor refused us at this early point in our careers, long before we found the fame and success we now enjoy, except for a "certain actor" (whom we're not going to name here) who said he could only work two days a week. Then, he kept giving us story ideas to make the title character more "relevant." He said, "Dudes, I really can't get into this guy's brain. What if we give him, like, a drug problem? Then he goes out and fights crime. And can we give him, like, a costume? And call him... 'Gunn-Man,' or something?"

The network, unfortunately, sided with our "star" -- except for the new title, thankfully -- and this is what aired during the second week in September. The show was cancelled before the first commercial break, and we were told we would never work in Hollywood again.

"Or anywhere else, probably," a network exec added.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Leaving Willow Manor

After a wonderful evening of festivities, and the opportunity to dance and talk with so many beautiful ladies, it is now time for The Silver Fox and I to say "adieu," and to depart from Willow Manor International Airport.
"Cammie" was finally caught, and charged with auto theft. She is being held without bond in the Willow Manor Penetentary. Her "accomplice" escaped through the woods with no pants, and is still being sought by local authorities, and lonely spinsters.














The Silver Fox got his prized 1963 Corvette back in good shape.












And, our passengers thoroughly enjoyed the "surprise ride" above the clouds on "SnL One," last night (plus the complimentary Filet Mignon and Maine Lobster.) The "Foxster" and I also enjoyed our female companionship (who will remain nameless) when on a spur-of-the-moment thing, we all decided to join the "mile high club."
Now... we depart (with our new girlfriends, who will remain nameless, but they get along like sisters, and keep bringing us food on the flight deck.) Next stop... VEGAS, BABY!!!
Hmmm, The "Foxster" wants to attempt some of the flying himself. Too bad, he doesn't have his pilot's license.
"Hey, Foxster! MY girlfriend's prettier than YOUR girlfriend!"
I just LOVE to piss him off!
Ladies and gentlemen, Mister Bobby Darin!



Hmmm... why is it every time I start this dang plane, music starts playing?

David asks, "So who DID you wind up with?" I'm afraid my lips are sealed.



But, I always DID love a happy ending!!!

Flight At Willow Manor

[Heard over the speakers]

Welcome aboard the newly repainted corporate jet of Simpson/Lynch Studios! You'll be flying in a state-of-the-art Boeing 777-232ER aircraft (or T7 as it's affectionately known) with twin Rolls-Royce engines. You'll undoubtedly notice how powerful these engines are as we basically "rocket" off the runway at Willow Manor.

The cabin has been completely customized, with spacious chairs, a fully-stocked bar, a pool table, WiFi access, movie theatre, six master bedroom suites, hot tub, and sauna.

I (The Skipster) will be the pilot-in-command on this short hop, and my partner David (The Silver Fox) will be riding "shotgun" because he called it! This is rather unusual, because he normally doesn't fly up front. Maybe he's taking an interest in flying, which is only only fair, because he does own half the plane.. which is why half of it has been freshly painted black.

Enjoy the flight!

Monday, October 12, 2009

A Quiet Monday, Waiting For The Big Ball


(We are onboard the "Skipster One," an advanced, customized Boeing 777-232. Sitting behind the fancy "Neon Bar" are SKIP "THE SKIPSTER" SIMPSON and DAVID M. "THE SILVER FOX" LYNCH. They have decided to go here for a few hours, in order not to raid WILLOW's expensive liquor supply, purchased for tomorrow's grand event, "The Ball At Willow Manor."

SKIP's date, the lovely CAMERON DIAZ, has borrowed DAVID's car, his treasured 1963 White Corvette Stingray, to travel into town to "have her face done." Now, the two recently re-united "former partners" are just making small talk, staring at the mirror images of themselves, and killing time. We join their conversation in progress.)

(SUPER TITLE: Monday, October 12, 2009. 10 a.m.)

DAVID: ...but the strangest part was when SHE called ME "Dude!" I didn't expect that from an actress of her stature. I wouldn't have even expected your little Cameron...

SKIP: "Cammie."

DAVID: ...to have said it.

SKIP: (After a long silence) You like that word, don'cha?

DAVID: What word?

SKIP: "Dude."

DAVID: Not really. I mean, I kinda like it when women call me that.

SKIP: You like when a woman calls you "Dude?"

DAVID: Yes. I do.

SKIP: But you would never use that word?

DAVID: What word?

SKIP: "Dude!"

DAVID: Never in a million years!

SKIP: I've seen you use it before.

DAVID: Well, yeah... You've SEEN me use it SARCASTICALLY, on my blog. Too bad this is an actual conversation, or I'd link to a couple of examples. But I can't.

SKIP: Thank God for that...

DAVID: Sorry? Didn't hear that...

SKIP: Nothing, I just burped. Too much to drink, maybe.

DAVID: I thought you once said "There's no such thing as 'too much' to drink." Or did I say that?

SKIP: I don't know. Probably both. (pause) So you would never say "Dude" for real?

DAVID: Never!

(Long pause)

DAVID: Why did you name this plane "The Skipster One?"

SKIP: Why? You don't like the name?

DAVID: Ordinarily, I would. But I went half-and-half with you on this.

SKIP: So, you want me to paint it all black, or what?

DAVID: That might be a good start...

SKIP: You don't like the paint job?

DAVID: Purple and yellow???

SKIP: (correcting him) MAUVE... and "Morning Glory."

DAVID: Excuse the hell outta me. MAUVE and freakin' Morning Glory. Who's your decorator? Elton John?

SKIP: Hey, you weren't around when I had it painted!

DAVID: I want the plane to have MY name on it, too.

SKIP: Okay. (taking slow swig of beer for emphasis) Who you gonna get to fly it?

DAVID: How about Chuck Yeager?!? What do you mean, "Who am I gonna get to fly it???"

SKIP: I'm rated on this baby. Have over 3000 hours.

DAVID: (muttering) "I'm an excellent driver..."

SKIP: What?

DAVID: Nothing... And does that 3000 include the hours you flew while drunk?

SKIP: What was that? I didn't hear that, either. Speak up!

DAVID: Nothing. I just burped.

SKIP: That was a burp? That was a pretty long burp!

DAVID: Well... I've had just as much to drink as you have. Plus the spicy fajitas I had for lunch... Anyway, what were we talking about?

SKIP: I was talking about having logged over 3000 hours.

DAVID: Oh, yeah. Mostly accrued by your flying your "girlfriends" off for two-hundred dollar hamburgers, I assume!!!

SKIP: (ignoring DAVID's last remark) So. Can we call the plane "Cameron?"

DAVID: F**K, NO!!!

SKIP: I'll have it repainted to black...

DAVID: Please do.

(They sit in silence for a few moments. SKIP lights a cigarette.)

DAVID: Please don't smoke on my plane.

SKIP: It's HALF your plane.

DAVID: Don't smoke in my half.

SKIP: Oh, come ON!!! Okay. OKAY!!! You want to claim half this plane? Which half do YOU want?

DAVID: The half with the big engines. (pause) That DOES include the BAR, right?

SKIP: Look, we need to grab some shut-eye before the ball begins at midnight... (pause) Do you agree? (pause) I said, do you agree?

DAVID: (still standing, but snoring)

SKIP: Amateur.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Having A Ball At Willow Manor

The Silver Fox had brought his car onboard the "Skipster One," and he brought it to the ball, just in case any of the ladies would like some "private time" with the old "Foxster"...













The Silver Fox, himself! Such a dashing figure!






















Here's "Cammie" and I on the "Red Carpet."





















I recited a poem I had written, just for her...



"Cammie, oh Cammie.


You're hot as pastrammi,


and slick as salammi.


In old Alabammi,


I dream of you, Cammie."


After awhile, Cammie said she had a headache, excused herself, and went upstairs. She came back down, twenty minutes later, wearing another gown, and a cheap brunette wig. I must admit, the transformation was remarkable!









She walked right past me, and sauntered over to some swarthy guy, in a white dinner jacket. I'm used to rejection, most of the time... but THIS time, I decided to fight fire with fire!


I spotted a sweet looking girl, who was sitting all alone and looking very sad, and asked her for a dance...





That obviously made Cammie very mad, because she stormed out, stealing somebody's car in the process. I will always remember the final words she yelled to me.
"...And stop calling me CAMMIE, you little creep!!!"





Willow just shook her head."You're too good for her, Skip," she said, and led me by the arm, back inside. Well, you know what? I'm having a GREAT time dancing with all the pretty women, especially Susie, Poetikat, and Betsy! Willow was right! I decided I don't "need" Cammie any more!


At one point during the evening, I even thought I saw Catherine Zeta-Jones! Go figure!


Gee. I wonder whose car Cammie stole?


Hmm... haven't seen The Silver Fox . Wonder what he's up to? Well, I have a "little surprise" for him on Wednesday, when we're scheduled to leave!

Arrival At Willow Manor

Here's my plane, the "Skipster One" on final to Willow Manor. Willow was kind enough to put us in her "guest wing" for a few days.














Here's our "uninvited guest," Tom Cruise, who almost got us killed us on the way over, because he thought he was an actual pilot from "Top Gun," and tried to fly my plane.




















Here's Tom being taken away, for a nice long rest...














Here's Willow meeting my lady love, "Cammie." I know they'll be "best friends forever... "















Here's Cammie, wandering aimlessly down the road for no apparent reason, at 5 am. I think she had too much wine. Willow thinks I'm "too good for her."




















More to come!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Practicing For The Cotillion At Willow Manor


As of right now, Cameron Diaz has not returned any of my phone calls. Twelve other ladies I've called, have all said, "Gee, I think I'm gonna have the swine flu that night." Go figure!
I've had a few nice ladies offer to pencil my name in on their dance cards, which I appreciate... but it still would be nice to stroll up the "Red Carpet," with a date for the event.
Hopefully, Cameron will call... and I'm just going to continue practicing...