Monday, November 30, 2009

A "Twofer" -- "The Fox and the Hound(dog)" and "The Search For Kato!"

From the Foxster Silver Fox:

The Skipster had disappeared, but I was only slightly concerned. From some remarks he'd made earlier, I was pretty sure he'd gone looking for Kato. Skip had dropped enough hints that Kato was kidnapped by the head of the WTF. I was only worried that his recent, frequent headaches wouldn't impede his mission.

Being alone here in Alabama -- well, except for Gretchen, Skip's able-bodied (and how!) assistant, who anxiously awaited his return, and her entire family, which is camped out in the Simpson/Lynch Studios backyard -- I realized there was still a loose end to tie up. I borrowed a cell phone from Gretchen's affable Uncle Kris, made a few quick calls, and drove my rental car to my destination.

And that destination was the "lair" of the Honky Tonk Man!

By "Honky Tonk Man," I'm referring to the WTF's knock-off version of the "genuine" Honky Tonk Man (real name, Roy Wayne Farris) of WCW/WWF fame. This Honky Tonk Man is a schlub named Arthur Prunesqualor.

The team of Simpson and Lynch owed him, big time.
  1. He'd cheated in his wrestling bout with the Skipster by having two goons enter the ring in order to help him win the match.
  2. He smashed a guitar on Skip's skull, a cowardly act which has caused Skip's unnervingly-frequent headaches.
  3. He undoubtedly was "in on" the kidnapping of Kato.
  4. He has defamed the image, if not the name, of Elvis Presley, the King of Rock'n'Roll!!
And getting even with him was my job.

Just in case things went horribly wrong, I stopped by Motel 6 to see the perky Tara King -- my intern and girlfriend -- for what could have been the last time. I've really grown attached to her. She's apparently classically educated, worldly beyond her years, and loves many of the same things I do (including Orson the Cat). Other than the fact that she continually leaves my jazz LP collection and related literature lying all over the place, she's close to perfect. Well, that and her favorite, somewhat-annoying cutesy catch-phrase, "Kewl beanz!" I mean, really! But those are minor things. She's been dressing in black lately; I'm not sure if that's because I always dress in black as well, or if she's just identifying with the 1950s-1960s American beatniks she so admires. The perky Tara King kissed me good-bye and told me to be careful. It's almost like she knew where I was going, although I didn't tell her!

Briefly, here's what happened. After finding the location of the Honky Tonk Man's Lair (or "HTML" for short), I showed up at the door of his home, situated in the seedy part of a (thankfully) nearby city.

I knocked. He answered. (Luckily for me, in his street clothes he looked a lot less imposing than when in character.) He recognized me immediately and screamed like a little girl, slamming the door in my face. I kicked it in, only to see him running away. I followed him out the back door, into a maze of alleyways behind the building.

I couldn't see him, but I'd find him. I'd gotten his scent. He smelled like pork grease, and if there's anything I have a "nose" for, it's the flesh of the pig!

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Heh. He was mine!

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Piece o'cake. Pork-scented cake, that is.

My final punch was thrown after saying "This is for Kato... and the Skipster... and Elvis!" Then I let the wimpy Elvis wannabe skulk off into the night.

Thanks for your time.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

From the Skipster:

I've decided to take matters into my own hands.

I really need to have Kato back here, because he really is one helluva cook and a bodyguard (even if he can't take care of his own self)! And he is also an "encyclopedia of knowledge" regarding comic books, old movies, and science fiction! Much like The Foxster, whom Kato despises. (That last part sounds familiar, like I've written it somewhere before!)

Plus, my "personal assistant," Gretchen misses him!

Thanks to my old sources at British Intelligence, I discovered that the British-born head of the upstart WTF wrestling federation, Bruno Drake, indeed kidnapped Kato, in order to keep Kato from interfering in my match with the Honky Tonk Man and his two goons, and to keep me working for the WTF! If I don't agree, they will kill Kato! Hmmph. Looks like I'm back in action, one more time! After all, I didn't get that "License To Kill" by selling Girl Scout Cookies!

(Why am I hearing the voice of "The Movie Guy," the late Don LaFontaine, saying this next part?)

In a world of avarice and deceit...

They thought they knew him...

They were wrong...

Dead wrong!

Payback! This time, it's for real!!!


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Vootie.

Monday Night Dinner At The Hotel Jerome

Gretchen and I have arrived at the fabulous Hotel Jerome! This is what greeted our eyes and ears on first arriving...



Gretchen smiled and said, "Joseph Haydn. Streichquartett Opus eine Nummer zwei."

Great! I always liked that selection... now I know what it is! I can already tell that this is going to be fabulous! If there's one thing I love in the world, it's fine dining with classical music playing softly in the background!



I think, she wanted me to tell the ladies, that tonight she's wearing Amani. Gee, that's funny! I thought it was a dress! Ha ha...

(Skip quickly shuts up, when he sees Rebecca giving him a dirty look. Gretchen tugs at Skip's sleeve.)

Oops... I think Gretchen wants to say something...

(Gretchen in a soft, shy voice...)

"Vielen Dank für mich einladen. Du bist sehr nett."






(She smiles at everyone, and holds up one of her little flashcards that she uses to communicate.)



Um, I think that means she's happy to be here!
















(Gretchen holds up another card.)




















What? You want to go see "Cinderella???" Ohhhh.... you feel like Cinderella! She loves that movie! She cries every time she sees it, back at "Simpson/Lynch Studios" in Alabama! I think Gretchen still believes in fairy tales...

(Gretchen quickly unwraps a box she's been holding, and smiling nervously, gently hands a long-stemmed yellow rose to each one of the ladies.)








"Für dich..."







Well... isn't that sweet! If I recall, I think a yellow rose means "friendship." Either that, or she thinks we're in Texas! Ha ha...

(With another dirty look from Rebecca, Skip shuts up again, and looks down at his feet. Gretchen produces a large black box from her red shopping bag, and hands it to Skip.)

Ahem... well, we've also brought along a "little something" that I've been saving, for just such an occasion...










So, let the dining begin!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

When Black Friday Comes... (with apologies to Steely Dan)

Oh, good grief!!!

Welcome to Saturday, folks!

It's a darned good thing I feel so optimistically about the renewed partnership of Simpson and Lynch! Let's just say that the past few days have not gone well.

After the bogus and underhanded tactics during last Sunday's wrestling match that the WTF -- the new wrestling federation that consistently rips off the WWF's golden era -- had arranged between Skip and their Elvis Presley wannabe, the Honky Tonk Man, I did everything in my power to convince Skip that we should both quit the WTF. (With our feud officially over, what did we need them for anyway, right?) Skip insisted we save that conversation until later, claiming he had a headache. I didn't take him seriously, at first -- I mean, I'd certainly gotten the "I have a headache" excuse before, although never from a guy, obviously! -- but... more on that later.

After he removed his "Macho Man Randy Savage" suit and I took off my "Hulk Hogan" outfit for what was arguably the last time, Skip and the lovely Gretchen Von Grüber (who'd removed her outlandish "Miss Elizabeth" garb) invited me to the newly rechristened Simpson/Lynch Studios in Alabama as soon as I could make it there. I agreed to follow them there from the WTF stadium.

(But first, Skip insisted we wait until the stadium cleared in hopes that Kato -- Skip's missing houseman, cook, and bodyguard -- would come back from wherever he'd disappeared to. No such luck.)

I arrived at 35 Woodland Drive (somewhere in Alabama) with my entourage -- that would be my personal assistant and girlfriend, the perky Tara King, and Orson the Cat -- and problems began.

Skip would not allow the perky Tara King to enter his home. (He was glad to see Orson again, however.) Ordinarily, I would have immediately leaped to her defense, but I didn't want to strain the bonds of rekindled partnership with Skip. After a quick explanation -- with which the perky Tara King heartily concurred -- I handed her the keys to our rented car and my debit card so she could bring Orson to a nearby Motel 6.

Ever since the perky Tara King had betrayed Skip by "defecting" to me and bringing Orson back to me as well, Skip had effectively disowned her. He wanted nothing more to do with her. I understood his point, but...!

This began an uncomfortable discussion between Skip and myself. Even as I fought for the re-inclusion of the perky Tara King in Skip's -- now our -- staff, I told Skip that I wasn't too thrilled about the prospect of Kato coming back from wherever he'd gone. For one thing, he has a creepy fondness for the idea of the corpulent Orson becoming a meal...

And another thing is that he hates my freakin' guts, of course...

Anyway, Skip and I debated these issues for quite some time, each of us controlling our tempers out of respect for our renewed friendship/partnership. While we talked, Skip's assistant and... girlfriend(?)... Gretchen paced about. She doesn't speak very much English, but she was obviously intelligent enough to get the gist of our discussion.

Finally, Gretchen left the room, muttering something in German which sounded vaguely obscene. When she returned, she was carrying a pack of "flash cards" which Skip told me she often uses to communicate.

She held up a card which pictured the planet Uranus.

"Skip," I said, "You know her much better than I do. What the hell does that mean?"

His brow furrowed; then his eyes opened wide with a flash of understanding. "Umm... I think she's trying to say that we're both being @$$holes!"

The conversation was shelved until a later date.

Things settled down after that. Skip and I popped a few beers open brewed a few pots of strong coffee and starting making plans for the future.

Monday morning, Skip called some contractors and arranged for an addition to be built to house me and my cat during our frequent visits (I, of course, fully intend to have the perky Tara King move in there, too, as soon as that issued is ironed out.) They showed up Monday afternoon and started work after Skip handed them what I assume was a sizable check.

The perky Tara King was kind enough to drive by and drop off some of the jazz albums and books I'd brought from Massachusetts. (She loves stuff from the so-called "Beat" era, and has been devouring any and all of my Jack Kerouac novels, my Allen Ginsberg poetry books, my William Burroughs novels, related music, etc.!)

Things started going sour when the contractor's boss arrived on Wednesday morning, screaming and swearing because Skip's check had bounced. I was an embarrassed witness to this confrontation. After the contractor had left with a promise to return later that day expecting cash, I took Skip aside and said, "Listen, Skip, it's none of my business, but if you're really in a jam right now, we can pay him out of our Simpson/Lynch Studios account."

Skip looked at me sheepishly. "You don't understand. The check I gave them was from the Simpson/Lynch account!"

"Oh, that can't be right!" I exclaimed. "I'm calling the bank!" And suiting the action to the word, I picked up the phone... only to find that it had been disconnected.

"What's going on here?!? Where's all our money?!?"

"Gone toward all our expenses, I assume," said Skip. "Staff salaries, mortgages, lawyers' fees... Gotta love those automatic payments! And neither one of us put a red cent into the coffers during all the time our stupid feud was going on."

"Oh, wow... You're right. But haven't you monitored our balance?"

"Not lately. I was too busy training for the wrestling match between the two of us. Didn't you?"

"No," I admitted. "What a revolting development this is, as Ben Grimm used to say."

"Look," said Skip, "I can't discuss this right now. I'm getting another one of my headaches."

"You've been complaining about headaches ever since that Elvis guy swatted you with his guitar. You really need to get that checked out."

Skip laughed bitterly. "Yeah, right. Like I can afford the medical bills right now! It'll just have to wait."

Putting our plans for the proposed Simpson/Lynch theme park on hold, Skip and I started planning how we could get our fortune back. Uncharacteristically, we came up with nothing!

And then yesterday... Friday...

It was roughly after 5 a.m. when I awoke. What was that ungodly noise outside? I jumped out of bed and threw on a robe, even as Skip started pounding on the door of the guest room where I'd spent the last few nights (well, when I wasn't sleeping at Motel 6).

"What's going on?" I yelled. "Earthquake?" (Do they even have earthquakes in Alabama?)

"Worse!" Skip exclaimed. "It's Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe!"

"Who?" Then I remembered. That was the finance company we made payments to for the Simpson/Lynch jet.

Ohhhhh, no....

Skip and I rushed to the bedroom window, only to see this!

They took the jet.

THEY... TOOK... THE... %$#&%$#... JET!!!

Thanks for your time... and brother, can you spare a dime?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

After The Match

A few days after the match wherein "The Foxster" saved me from certain doom, I wish I could say life is like "dancing on rainbows" here at the SnL Studios.

Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy to be back with my friend and writing partner! We've spent the last few days having a lot of beers drinking coffee, and talking about future projects, such as the building of a theme park called "S&M Land!" I mean, "SnL Land!" (I'm sorry, gentle readers, but since I was hit with that guitar, I tend to be more confused than usual, and I'm getting frequent headaches.)

Our Boeing 777-232 is back, however the engines are shot, due to the inexperienced piloting of a certain... *cough*... Foxster...

We have not heard from Kato since Sunday, when he mysteriously disappeared from ringside. However, I did get a puzzling phone call last night, from a voice that sounded strangely like Bruno Drake, the British-born president and founder of our wrestling federation, the WTF. All the caller said was, "Your fried rice is safe with me," then he hung up. I wonder if there's a connection??? I'll have to give my contacts over at MI6 a buzz, and see if they know anything.

The Perky Tara King is staying across town at a Motel 6, with Orson the Cat keeping her company, because I refuse to let her back in the studio! My personal assistant, Gretchen, keeps trying to tell me something, but with my extremely limited knowledge of German, I can't understand her.

Well, I really need to have Kato back here, because he really is one helluva cook, and a bodyguard! And he is also an "encyclopedia of knowledge" regarding comic books, old movies, and science fiction! Much like The Foxster, whom Kato despises.

Now I'm going to relax, and listen to my Dizzy Gillespie album.

Vootie.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Mr. Toast's Christmas Tea Arrival In Aspen!

My devoted personal assistant, Gretchen and I (plus her entire freakin' family, who wants her to marry me) arrived a few days early for "Mister Toast's First Annual Christmas Tea," so we could get in some sightseeing.

A few days ago, Gretchen's "Uncle Kris Von Grüber," (the only one that can speak any English) approached me and said the family band wanted to play music outside at the party, for the enjoyment of the guests. He said, "We like Herr Skipster. We want to make his friends, our friends!"

I tried to tell him it was a "Christmas Tea," and not "Oktoberfest," but he wouldn't listen! He said the family had already purchased all the airline tickets, including Gretchen and myself!!!

To make a long story short...

Here's our plane landing in Aspen.

Gretchen's damn family "entertained" all the passengers on board, with that damn German "Oompah Music" for the entire trip! Here's a sample of what I had to sit through for three and one-half hours!



At the hotel, Uncle Kris Von Grüber slipped me $500 and whispered, "Take our Gretchen to a real nice meal."

Here's Gretchen and I in front of the fine restaurant we dined in. Her family went off in search of the local Lutheran Church. I dearly hope it's not to discuss a wedding!














Here's Gretchen making like a "snow bunny" outside our hotel. She can be adorable, when she wants to be...














And... here's a short video, with Gretchen's family giving a free charity performance (to raise money for a shelter for battered women, no less,) at the Lutheran Church Hall, which is all they wanted to do. For the time being anyway...



I later heard that they raised over five thousand dollars that night! I must admit. I was impressed! It's getting harder to dislike this bunch!

Gretchen, The "Kris Von Grüber Happy Oompah Band," and yours truly "The Skipster," will see you at the Tea Party, on December First!

Vootie.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

The Skipster vs. "That Elvis Guy!!!"

This is The Foxster -- I mean, The Silver Fox, damnit! -- providing you with some much-needed backstory before... Well, you'll see!

"The Skipster HAS to win this one, in order to meet The Foxster next!"

That's right, fellow babies, that was the latest slogan from the WTF, who decided they could make a hefty profit on the grudge match between former friends and partners, Simpson and Lynch! They forced a match between The Skipster and "That Elvis Guy," a/k/a The Honky Tonk Man, before the scheduled Simpson /Lynch finale on Thanksgiving Day!

Skip, of course, was all decked out in his Macho Man Randy Savage costume. I had been dragged to the match by the perky Tara King, Skip's former (and my current) intern. I waited backstage, contractually obligated by the aptly-named WTF to wear my ridiculous Hulk Hogan outfit. Believe it or not, I was actually rooting for Skip to win... but only because if he lost, I'd have to fight that over-fed Elvis wannabe next, and my bout with The Skipster would never come to pass! And I never signed up for that!

But I digress.

Anyway, when Skip and the Honky Tonk Man finally began...

Oh, see for yourself!

Warning: The following video contains senseless acts of gratuitous violence and destruction, so make sure you call the kids into the room. Thank you.

OUR CAST OF CHARACTERS:

Macho Man Randy Savage: The Skipster.

The Lovely Elizabeth: Gretchen Van Grüber (The Skipster's Personal Assistant, and a woman madly in love with Skip.)

Honky Tonk Man: Danged if I know!

Hulk Hogan: The Foxster (a/k/a The Silver Fox. Skip's former best friend and writing partner.)

Cute Chick in Back Room: The Perky Tara King (Young ex-employee of The Skipster, now the Foxster's "Personal Assistant." She is madly in love with "The Silver Fox," as she really digs "older" men.)

Kato: Himself (The Skipster's loyal Chinese houseman and bodyguard. He has recently been spotted having a "thing" going on with Skip's cleaning lady. Hates The Foxster.)

Man Holding Two Coats: Alan Burnett

First Movie Tarzan: Elmo Lincoln

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*** WARNING! SPOILERS FOLLOW!***

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To fully enjoy the video, do not scroll down until you've finished watching!

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Yep, you heard it here first, fellow babies. Skip and I are together again!

I suppose I should explain. It wasn't that I wanted to save Skip, exactly, it's just that my... umm... my sense of moral conduct was outraged when I saw those three goons teaming up on one lone, defenseless guy. That, and...

And...

Ohhh, who the hell am I trying to kid?!? I missed the big goof (once our initial artistically temperamental anger subsided), and knew that he felt the same way! We were -- and will continue to be -- a great team, each of us always pushing the other to better himself, never accepting second best. His strengths played to my own. He can draw circles around me, and can whip up those amazing videos with the best of 'em. His plots have very often been a solid foundation for me to build upon with my own bits of characterization and dialogue (which isn't to slight him in those departments, either!). He's also a much better pilot for the SnL One, having logged over 3000 flight hours, whereas I only recently completed my Pilot's Expedited Training Assignments (or "PETA" for short).

That, and he's never shy about revealing his sensitive side, and the babes just eat that up! And I was always glad to avail myself of his surplus. Or something.

Anyway, look out, fellow babies... Scratch that. Look out, world! We're back! Like Damon and Pythias, Barnum and Bailey, Rowan and Martin, Superman and Batman, Fred and Barney, Cagney and Lacey, Kramden and Norton, Sodom and Gomorrah, and Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy...

WE'RE BACK!!!

Thanks for your time. Now give us room!

P.S. -- Even as Macho Man Randy Skipster -- or whatever -- squared off against the Honky Tonk Man on this blog, in an alternate reality (also known as the "real world"), Skip Simpson suffered a fall and a painful foot sprain. His partner in both realities -- that's me, fellow babies! -- wishes him a speedy recovery, and hope y'all do, too!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I Hope I Don't Show Up Late...

I have to wrestle... WHO???

I still can't believe this! As "Hulk Foxster," or whatever he's calling himself these days, said, BEFORE they allow me to wrestle him... I have to accept the challenge from THIS Elvis-wannabe clown!!! Now I KNOW why they call it the "WTF!"

My dedicated personal assistant Gretchen, has decided to put on a brunette wig, and start calling herself "The Lovely Elizabeth 2" so she can be "close" to me, which is weird, since "The Lovely Elizabeth 1" ("given" to me by the WTF) was my former personal assistant! We had a great thing going, until she accepted an invitation to become The Foxster's "manager."

Meanwhile I have to wrestle under the name "Macho Man Randy Savage," while "The Foxster" has to use the name "Hulk Hogan."

Naturally, I'm a little PO'd about this, I'm cool with it, as this video demonstrates, when I accept his challenge!!!

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The Sunday event will be on video... right here! Whether you're rooting for "The Foxster" or "The Skipster," please drop by and show your support.

Thanks for your time!

(Gawd... I'm doing it AGAIN!)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

WTF, Indeed!

"The days are counting down to the biggest grudge match the WTF has ever seen!"

Yeah, that's the slogan that the relatively new, upstart wrestling federation, the WTF (Wrestle That Fellow), is using to promote my upcoming bout with Skip Simpson.

Skip came up with an admittedly-clever slogan, "Knock the Sox Off the Fox!" He quickly had a bunch of t-shirts, coffee mugs, and Lord knows what else emblazoned with these words. (I might buy some myself! They're sure to become hot collectibles after the match... just like the 1948 Chicago Tribune with the headline "DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN!" Heh.)

The powers-that-be at the WTF loved it, and quickly designed a similar visual based on my own slogan, "Rip Into Skip!"

(And didja notice? Mine's bigger than his! [insert joke here] )

I must admit to misgivings about the management of the WTF, however. They latched onto my comparisons between Skip and "Macho Man" Randy Savage, and myself to Hulk Hogan. Evidently, they want to recreate the glory days of what was once the WWF, ripping off their characters from years gone by without so much as a by-your-leave! (Hope Vince McMahon's lawyers get ahold of these bozos some time after The Skipster and The Foxster The Silver Fox have our grudge match!)

The contract Skip and I had to sign was full of fine print, unfortunately. For one thing, we are not allowed to promote our match anywhere (except here) without being dressed as our contracted-upon characters. For example:

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And if you're wondering what all that talk about "Elizabeth" was... Hoo boy. Evidently, the original, real Randy Savage had a woman named Elizabeth standing by his side. The WTF supplied Skip with an Elizabeth clone, as it were, but -- as so many women have before her -- the WTF's Elizabeth soon came over to The Silver Fox's stable, and has become my manager! Not to be outdone, The Skipster decided to bring along his personal assistant, Gretchen Von Grüber... but the WTF insisted that she be dressed as Elizabeth as well! What a mess!

Not only that, but to build up interest among their viewers, the WTF has also obligated Skip to fight an Elvis clone called the Honky Tonk Man, before Skip and I can have our bout! How degrading! And to paraphrase a line from National Lampoon's Animal House, they can't demean Skip like that! Only I can demean Skip like that! (The perky Tara King, my new intern, has even convinced me to hang out backstage during this pre-Thanksgiving match. What, is she expecting me to cheer Skip on? Yeah, right!)

So, as my title says, WTF, indeed!

And I suppose I should take this moment to mention Skip's latest post, a surprising early birthday tribute (well, of sorts) to me! Wow. It almost makes me nostalgic for the times when... (No. No. Don't go there, David!)

Thanks for your time.

The Birthday Boy...

The lovely, and perky "Tara King" called me today. She actually wanted me to write a check for the "Silver Fox's Birthday Bash!"
Of course, at first I said no way, but she kept hitting on that "guilt" thing (does she know I'm half-Jewish?)
Anyway, she finally wore me down. Even if I do despise "The Silver Fox," if I saw someone teaming up on him in a dark alley, I'd be there to defend him. I wonder if he'd ever do the same for me? I wrote a sizeable check.
It doesn't matter now. I'm going to wrestle him, and I will DESTROY him!!!
My personal assistant, Gretchen... and her whole freakin "Ooom-Pah-Pah Family" seem to think I did "the right thing."
She's learning more English as the days wear on. Tonight, I was just sitting alone by the hot tub, and she came and sat beside me. After awhile, she asked, "Skip need hug, ja ?"
I just nodded my head, and she snuggled up close to me.
Then she came out with the most profound statement I ever heard from her!
She said, "Love you. Don't want you to get hurt."
That, my gentle readers, was the most English I ever heard her speak!
It has been a long time since a fine lady would accept me, warts and all, and tell me she actually "loved" me.
Any sane man, (and I never said I was sane,) should have kissed her tenderly, and held her tight... but I just ignored her, and just it a cigarette.
I was caught up in the wrestling match that was approaching with "The Silver Fox" soon. I was also thinking of that perky Tara King.
Gretchen wants to be "in my corner" when that night arrives. I wish she would just stay away!
Sometimes I wish she would stay away, and that the whole would stay away! Sometimes I wish I could just curl up in a cave alone, and with no feelings for anyone. That would make it easier.
Am I scared about having to face "The Foxster?" Yes.
Am I afraid of getting injured? Yes.
Am I afraid of a commitment? Yes.

And dear Gretchen sits silently, tears running down her cheeks... her dear heart breaking.

And I put the shell around me.

Happy Birthday, David.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Another Open Letter to the Skipster


Hey There, Skipperino!

I know we're not supposed to be even speaking to each other, but I'm in such a good mood right now, I don't care!

Why am I in such a good mood? Awww, shucks, you know the answer, don't you? And you've known it for several hours!

Orson the Cat is safe and sound at home again!

Y'know, Skip, I'm kind of amazed that you can trust women any more, seeing as how so many of them have stabbed you in the back... the last three women having done so for the benefit of Your Humble Silver Fox in rapid succession!

First there was my buddy, Catherine Zeta-Jones -- "Cath" -- who posed as your elderly neighbor, Bambie, and distracted you so you wouldn't know I was stealing taking back our private jet, the SnL One.

Secondly, there was Paris Hilton, another buddy of mine! When she showed up for the little photo shoot on your Skip's Stuff blog, you never dreamed that she was a plant, did you? (And by "plant," I mean "spy" rather than suggesting that she has the IQ of the average houseplant, or anything like that...)

Paris had told me that Simpson Studio was empty, so I could look for Orson. She was wrong, of course. It wasn't empty. Kato was still there, and Orson wasn't. Apparently, when you and your entourage went out for the evening, Paris counted the members of your little group... and that's when the problem ensued.

But now, last but most deliciously not least, your very own intern, the perky Tara King, has betrayed you! She and I formed an immediate bond during our brief encounter after I'd vandalized your studio, and -- to make a long story short -- she contacted me, agreed to become my intern, grabbed Orson, hijacked a bus, and came to Massachusetts!

As you can see, the three of us are quite happy now.

She's incredibly talented, and I must grudgingly admit that you've taught her well! She rigged up some technological doo-hickey or another, and we've been enjoying a live feed from your security cameras.

Tara King, perky little thing that she is, also doctored the following video of you, Miss St. Pauli Girl (or whatever the hell her name is), and your bodyguard Kato Kaelin (or whatever the hell his name is). She knows I love the old silent films, so...

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Isn't she remarkable?

(Speaking of videos, the perky Tara King and I enjoy watching another one she "liberated," one of you and your assistant, Gretchen. Do you know the one I mean? I certainly can't describe it here, but it involves your hot tub and a large jar of Miracle Whip.)

Anyway, Skip, let's face it. I've outfoxed you at every turn. Why don't we quit while I'm ahead, and call off that silly, upcoming wrestling match? (Those guys who run the WTF have some pretty annoying conditions for our using their venue to hash out our differences anyway.)

I'm not suggesting we renew our partnership, nor rekindle our friendship. Those days are gone. But I propose a halt to all open hostilities... mainly so you won't get hurt again. In fact, I have graciously arranged to have the SnL One returned to you! No, really. Let's just call it a peace offering.

Thanks for your time.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Around The Ol' Hot Tub...

Dear Miss Manners,

Well... Gretchen, Kato and myself were just sitting around the hot tub, talkin' trash about our ex-employee, that "Perky Piece Of Crap Tara King," and the latest so-called "peace offering" by my former friend and writing partner, "The Foxster," when suddenly, and quite unannounced, Ben Affleck shows up, looking really sad and desperate!
Seems he wants "Simpson/Lynch" to write him a "great" movie. I told him that "Simpson/Lynch" was now just "Simpson," and he started to cry. I tried to console him. I told him that maybe he should contact Matt Damon, and write another script like "Good Will Hunting." He sobbed, and said Matt never calls him anymore! I told Ben, that I thought he was actually pretty good playing George Reeves in "Hollywoodland," but he didn't stop crying.

That was the time Jack Black shows up, drunk as a skunk! He heard I was going to wrestle The Foxster, and wanted to give me some tips he had learned, while filming "Nacho Libre."He started making fun of Ben, and called him a "No-Talent Twerp With A Big Jaw!" That just made Ben cry harder.

Kato told Jack to shut up, as Kato actually LIKES Ben, as Kato's seen "Armeggedon" over a hundred times. Kato hates Jack, because he heard that Jack wanted to produce the "Green Lantern" movie, with himself in the lead role. You see, Kato is a HUGE comic book and sci-fi fan! I recently found out, he also holds a rating in the B777... yes, the same type as my stolen plane! (The one The Foxster now wants to magnanamously return to me!)

Meanwhile, Gretchen was frantically waving her arms, trying to tell me something, but because she can only speak two words of English, and my knowledge of German is "Volkswagen," and "Farfenugen," we were at a total loss, until she remembered her flash cards! You see, she has a set of flash cards, with pictures on them that she points to, so she can get her message across.
She showed me a picture of an elderly German couple, and pointed to herself and said "Mein papa und mama."



Of course I understood right away, nodded my head, and said, "Ahhh. Gretchen papa and mama, ja."

Gretchen beamed. She showed me another picture of nine large, happy Germans wearing lederhosen, and carrying instruments in an "Ooom-Pah-Pah Band." Obviously her family in the Old Country.

"Mein," she said, and smiled.
I nodded, and smiled back. "Ja."
She showed me a picture of a Lufthansa airliner, combined with a picture of the Statue Of Liberty.
"America," she said proudly.

Of course I got it! Her entire family was coming to visit! How happy I was for her!

THEN she pulled out the aerial picture of "Simpson Studio," nodded expectantly, her big blue eyes opened wide, and stammered out, "Stay... here?"

That's when the front doorbell rang, and I swear I heard the unmistakable sound of a tuba!

My question is, is it okay to bring up "The War?"

The Skipster
P.S. On a personal note to "The Silver Fox," sorry guy! Cancel the match? I have too much money tied up in T-Shirts and Bumper Stickers, that read "Knock The Socks Off The Fox!"

Monday, November 9, 2009

Shocking Development In Paradise!

Back at St. Elsewhere!

I think the Silver Fox is trying to give me a coronary! Once again, he's put me in the E.R. because of his shenanegans!

Thank goodness I have my loyal team here at The Simpson Studio to nurse me along!

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Studio Vandalized!!!

From The Desk Of
Skip Simpson

Gentle readers... tonight "The Simpson Studio" was vandalized, by none other than the "Foxster" himself, presumably looking for Orson the Cat!

The evening started out innocently enough, when I gathered my entourage, (including hanger-on Paris Hilton, but except for Kato who wanted to stay home and watch "Star Wars" for the nine-thousandth time) and headed down to the WTF Gym, to work out for my upcoming wrestling match.

I also brought Orson with us, because... well, because Kato keeps wanting to eat him.

After about an hour, my perky intern, Tara King, said she had to head back to the studio, because all those sweaty men at the gym were making her "too hot."

When my lovely personal assistant Gretchen and I later arrived, we were shocked to discover two of my prized paintings had crude mustaches drawn on them!

It was a good thing Kato was there, because he confronted the Foxster, before any further damage was done! The bearded vandal ran out of the house, nearly colliding with poor, perky Tara King, who had just arrived home. He finally escaped.

All the surveillance pictures you see were taken with my expensive video monitoring system ($399 from Wal-Mart).


My defaced portrait!

















The defaced portrait of my perky intern, Tara King!

















Caught in the act, by the ever-vigilant Kato!

















Brave, perky little Tara King confronts the vandal!

















Poor, perky Tara King was so unnerved, all she can talk about is the Foxster, and how she can't get him out of her mind!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

My New "Family" Group

(Front row L-R: The Skipster, Gretchen Von Gruber, Orson The Cat)
(Back row L-R: Tara King, Kato, Paris Hilton)

Now that "Simpson/Lynch Studios" is just "Simpson Studio," I had to hire some additional staff to keep up with the workload. You have no idea how everything is piling up, gentle readers!


First of all, I have no idea how I'd manage, without the able help of my "personal assistant," Gretchen. No matter what position I put her in, she enthusiastically assumes it, and outperforms consistently!


Then, there's my cook/houseboy/bodyguard Kato. Besides showing a fierce devotion to me, he is a sneaky little rascal. You NEVER know what he's going to show up with! Ahh, that little scamp! Always making me laugh! Hahaha!


Finally, there's Tara King, my college intern. She's a perky little bundle of energy, that lights up the studio with her radiant smile, and bright yellow miniskirts! She is always willing to learn new techniques, which she dutifully records in her journal while relaxing in my hot tub!

I have no idea what Paris Hilton was doing in the picture! Presumably, she heard there was going to be a photo shoot at my place, and just automatically showed up...

In short, my gentle readers, The Foxster may be gone... but let me assure you, that the great work of "The Simpson Studio" will continue for decades to come!


To witness the steady decline, of a man who could once walk the streets at night, with his head held high, visit here

Friday, November 6, 2009

He Didn't. He DIDN'T! (He Did.)

Now he's gone too far!

Silver Fox here, fellow babies, the "Lynch" half of the torpedoed partnership known as Simpson/Lynch Studios.

I was taking care of a sick friend all day (and night!) Thursday, and didn't get home until the wee hours of Friday morning. (In fact, the only way I was able to follow Theme Thursday posts was by using my sick friend's computer.) But I've been so busy lately anyway, in addition to that, that I decided a few days earlier to allow my cat, Orson, to write the Theme Thursday post on my "The Lair of the Silver Fox" blog.

Here's a shot of me taking care of my sick friend:

Oops.

Uhhh... It's not what it looks like, fellow babies! Y'see, she was having trouble breathing at one point, and...

Oh, never mind.

Anyway, I finally arrived home, but before I even got inside, I found this photo of my beloved cat tacked to my door:

It was accompanied by this note:

My shrewd powers of deduction eventually told me who'd catnapped my kid... I mean, kidnapped my cat... and left those two items for me to find: My ex-friend and even-more-ex-writing partner, Skip Simpson!

Dude! Where's! My! Cat!

This not only means war, this means The War to End All Wars! The Alpha and the Omega. The Clash of the Titans. The Be-All and End-All. Last Man Standing. The Bold and the Beautiful. The Young and the Wrestling. The Foxster Hulkster versus the Macho Man. A no-holds-barred, "blood, guts, and veins in my teeth" fight-to-the-finish, accompanied by weapons of mass destruction in a WTF ("Wrestle That F***er") ring!!!

Thanks for your time, and stay tuned, sports fans!

Orson in happier times. Obviously.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

An Open Letter to the Skipster

(Well, I was going to post Part Two of "How It All Began" -- and I will, just not yet -- but after seeing Skip's last post on his half of the blog...!)

"Dear" Skipster:

Can't leave well enough alone, eh?

How dare you accuse me of stealing the Foxster SnL One? And as for that video... uhhh... I was... uhhh... misquoted. Yeah. Misquoted. And... and...

Ahhh, who am I trying to kid? Of course I stole it, and with the help of little ol' "Bambie" -- a/k/a "Cath" -- no less! So? What are you going to do about it, huh? Walk to Massachusetts from Alabama? Yeah, right.

Anyway, as for your little challenge... "WTF" indeed! (By the way, Mr. Expert, I'm pretty sure it's not "Wrestle That Fella," it's "Wrestle That F***er!" Just sayin'.)

I don't know much about modern TV wrestling matches, but thinking back to the earlier, happier time-killing days of our acquaintance -- like, when our partnership was thriving consisted of my making you look good, I remember some wrestling stars from the ollllld days, and came up with this:

You've always thought you were such a macho guy, you should be the Macho Man himself, Randy Savage! Ha!

But who could I be? Someone even more popular, obviously... (Hm. Did any wrestler ever do a "Zorro" riff? No matter.) Since I'm such a comic book fan, maybe I could be the Hulk... meaning Hulk Hogan, of course.

Some challenge! Like I'm worried. I'm not in the greatest of shape, but I'm still able to beat the likes of this:
Heh. I'm gonna kick your @$$... Dude!

(And to anyone else who sees this... Thanks for your time.)

Monday, November 2, 2009

Castle - "A Theme Thursday" Post

It is said that "A man's home is his castle." I thought I would give all my gentle readers a tour of the former "Simpson/Lynch Studios."

After our split, I'm living here alone now. Last I heard, Lynch was living with that damn cat of his, in what used to be my private jet after he "cooked" the engines, and drinking cheap wine out of a paper bag!

Well... I say good riddance! All he ever did was eat my food, and mess up the house. Do you think he'd ever raise one finger to help me? No!

I worked my fingers to the bone, and did I ever get any appreciation... or flowers on my birthday???

Ummm... I seem to be digressing here... let's take the tour... and Happy TT!















For all the sordid details, you can read about it here


Thanks for your time!


Omigod!!! I'm starting to use his signoff!!!

Hello From The ER





I had a very trying 48 hours. I am being treated for a severe panic attack, caused by my former friend and writing partner, David M. Lynch (The Silver Fox).


Without going into a lot of detail, you can read about it here

I need my rest.

And a warm bedpan.

"Thanks for the backrub, Bambie..."

I Can't Believe He Would Do This!!!

THIS time, my former friend and writing partner, known as "David M. Lynch," (or as I refer to him, "The Foxster") has really stooped to a new low! There I was, minding my own business at home, and entertaining a nice elderly neighbor lady of mine, when the security cameras around my palatial estate, recorded this shocking video! Nevertheless, it was a good thing that "Bambie" was there, as she had to drive me to the emergency room, for the severe panic attack I was having!
My gentle readers... can your tender hearts stand what you are about to witness?

video

Listen to me Foxster! You ain't heard the last of me!!! I plan on bulking up, and joining the "Wrestle That Fella" federation. That's right, the "WTF!!!" If you're man enough to face me, on Thanksgiving Day in the ring, we can settle this once and for all! Ohhh YEAHHHH!!!