Sunday, February 14, 2010

"V" is for...

Scene: The private movie theater of Simpson/Lynch Studios. It is approximately 1:00 p.m. on Valentine's Day. The Skipster sits on Gretchen's right. Next to the Skipster, on his right, is an empty seat. On the right of that empty seat sits the Foxster.

Foxster: Okay, okay, where's the birthday girl?

Skipster: "Birthday girl?" You mean Tara?

Foxster: Of course! She is the only one who isn't here yet...

Skipster: Tara's birthday is the same day as Valentine's Day?

Foxster: Yup.

Skipster (pause): Oh. (shrugs) I didn't know.

Foxster and Gretchen (simultaneously): You never asked! (All laugh.)

Foxster: So... Where the hell is she?

Gretchen: Be patient, Foxster.

Foxster: Easy for you to say. My nose is all stuffed up from whatever I've come down with, and the air conditioning in here isn't helping any.

Gretchen: (teasingly): Please stop the whining.

Foxster: (feigning offense): I'm not whining. It's my clogged sinuses that make me sound like that.

Gretchen: Do not be so much of a... (long pause)

Foxster (teasingly): Can't think of the word?

Gretchen: I know the word. I do not like using it. (All laugh.)

Foxster (to Skipster): Are you going to let her talk to me like that?

Skipster: (kiddingly, in a deep, menacing voice): Don't be talkin' 'bout mah woman like that. I'll kick yo' ass.

Gretchen: (chidingly): Skip...

Skipster: (sighing): Fine, fine. (in his normal voice) I'll kick your butt. (Gretchen and Foxster laugh.) Out of curiousity, anyone check how much is in the SnL account lately?

Gretchen (looking straight ahead): As of forty-seven minutes ago? Six million, four hundred and thirty-seven thousand, eight hundred and two dollars... (pauses and looks at Skipster) and sixteen cents. (Gretchen bats her eyes playfully.)

Foxster: That's all?

Gretchen: Do not forget, much of corporation's net worth is what you call "working for you." Invested in Kewl Beanz!, paying various salaries, and so on. Plus, we still await second check from NBC.

Skipster (looking at Gretchen admiringly): Anyone ever tell you that you're remarkable? (The Skipster glances sideways at the Foxster, indicating Gretchen with a tilt of his head in her direction.) German precision engineering.

Tara finally enters at the rear of the theater. She quickly approaches the others, carrying two large plastic buckets of freshly-made, buttered popcorn.

Skipster: The birthday girl has finally arrived!

Tara: Oh, Skipster, you remembered my birthday? How sweet! (Foxster clears his throat, but says nothing.)

The Skipster, the Foxster, and Gretchen applaud and sing a quick rendition of "Happy Birthday." Tara stands there uncomfortably. Then Tara hands one of the plastic buckets of popcorn to Gretchen, and sits on the Foxster's left.

Tara: Can't watch a movie without popcorn!

Foxster: "Movie." They're freakin' YouTube videos.

Tara: On this screen, they're movies. (pause) Boy, I'm glad you're not sick often, hon. You're a grouch. Why can't you be more like the Skipster? Even when he is a grouch, he's not a grouch. (Tara winks at Skipster and Gretchen.)

Skipster (pretending to write note): Note to self: Give birthday girl a raise...

Gretchen: Foxster, these movies are supposed to show how much you and Skipster love Tara and myself. Sometimes you are as romantic as a... (pause) as a kohl.

Foxster: What's a kohl?

Tara: That's German for "cabbage," sweetheart.

Foxster (as others begin laughing): As romantic as a cabbage? What the hell does that mean?

Tara (giggling): I don't know, exactly, but I like it! (All laugh, even the Foxster.)

Gretchen: Foxster, you should try to be more romantic, like my Skip. (She snuggles against the Skipster's arm.)

Foxster (to Tara, in a "stage whisper"): I just got unfavorably compared to the Skipster in the romance department. Write down the date.

Gretchen: Stille, Foxster! I want to hear the song you chose for Tara.

Tara snuggles up to the Foxster. The Foxster hits the red button on his chair that starts the big-screen projector. The lights in the theater automatically dim, as the video appears on the big screen.

Tara: My gods, David, that was a beautiful song!

Foxster (seriously): Well, it is how I feel about you. (pause) I feel like I've known and loved you all my life... and even longer. (brief pause) Happy birthday, hon.

Tara: That is exactly how I feel about you! I could have written those very words!

Gretchen (looking adoringly at the Skipster): It is my turn now. I cannot wait until my surprise!

The Skipster smiles fondly at Gretchen and taps the red button on his chair that starts the big screen projector.

Foxster (to the Skipster): I keep forgetting... You're new at this.

Skipster: What? What did I do wrong?

Foxster: Let me put it this way. You know that trip you've always wanted to take to Hawaii? Well, this might be a good time to pack up the Don Ho shirts...


  1. I swear! As God is my witness! I thought Nicole Kidman was a blonde!

  2. lol. you both are nuts. happy Vday!

  3. Happy V day to all you crazy gang.

  4. Ooops...the clips are unavailable today! I'll try back tomorrow. :)

  5. Wow, what an oops, but at least he tried. Tara, I am so jealous. What I would give to have a man care for me the way Foxster cares for you. Happy Birthday.