Friday, March 26, 2010

Home Is Where The Heartburn Is

Scene One: The Foxster and Tara are in the back of the Simpson/Lynch Studios Limo. Luke is driving.

Tara: I can't believe how quickly that closing went.

Foxster: Neither can I. It really helped that most of the paperwork was handled by you and Vickie...

Tara (interjecting softly): Mostly by me...

Foxster (nodding and continuing): ...while I was in the hospital. And, you did check out the place personally.

Tara: Yep. It's "you." (giggling) I've never seen anyone whip out a checkbook and write a check for $470,000 so calmly... considering this is the first piece of property you've ever owned.

Foxster (playing with his new house keys): Yeah... (pause) Four acres of peace and quiet at One Lakeside Drive. (looking at Tara) Now it's just you and me, kiddo. (The Foxster kisses Tara warmly.)

Tara smiles and looks toward the front of the limo. Suddenly she taps Luke on the shoulder.

Tara: Luke! You just missed the turn! (Luke screeches the limo to a halt and turns around.) My gods, an expensive car like this and you don't have a GPS installed?

Luke (from the driver's seat, laughing): Why should we have an artificial female voice telling me I missed a turn, when we have you?

The car comes to a slow stop in the driveway of One Lakeside Drive, known to the citizens of Pleasantview as "the Old Fenneman Estate."

* * * * *

Scene Two: The Foxster's new property, a/k/a "the Old Fenneman Estate." The Foxster, Tara, and Luke get out and stare at the large house.

Foxster: Ohhh, yeah. It's gorgeous...

Luke (shaking the Foxster's hand): Congratulations, Mr. Foxster! (pause) I just have one question.

Foxster: Hm? What's that, Luke?

Luke (pointing): Who is that man in the yellow suit, sitting on the front steps?

All three look at the sitting figure of none other than "Mister Broadway" himself... Barry Cabana! Next to Barry are two rather large suitcases.

Barry: (shouting and waving): Davey-boy!!! My ol' pal!!!

Tara (to Foxster, wide-eyed): "Davey?"

Foxster: He's nickname-prone... to say the very least. Just ignore it.

Tara (smirking): Whatever you say... Davey. (The Foxster glares at Tara, only half-kiddingly, but says nothing.)

Barry gets up, somewhat unsteadily, and rushes to the Foxster and the others, extending his hand, which the Foxster shakes.

Barry: Good t' see ya, ol' buddy! Been a long time. (ogling Tara) Who's the babe?

Foxster (forcing a smile): She's my girlfriend, Tara. (brief pause) You can stop drooling any time now, Barry.

Barry (to Tara): Ahhh! A truly significant other! (Foxster winces at the expression "significant other.")

Barry reaches toward Tara, who cautiously takes one step back.

Barry: Don't worry, sweet-cheeks, I don't bite! (Barry reaches for Tara's hand, upon which he plants a sloppy wet kiss.) I jus' nibble a bit. (winks)

Tara: Yes, I know. Bella told me.

Barry: Bella? Oh, yeah, that spicy li'l jalapeño at th' bar! (brief pause) Or would that be, "jalapeña?" (Barry laughs at his own meager joke.)

Foxster: How'd you get here, Barry? Tara and I haven't even moved in yet!

Tara discreetly sniffs the now-moist back of her hand, which smells like Seagram's Crown Royal.

Barry: Oh, I got a ride from one o' th' local bar-flies... Miles, or Milo... somethin' like that.

Foxster: Milo Fenderbanger?

Tara: Fenderbender.

Foxster (to Tara): Whatever. I'm starting to hear that name a lot lately. How the hell did he know where we live?

Tara: Oh, really, hon, everybody in Pleasantview is familiar with the Old Fenneman Estate.

Foxster (to Barry): So, why the personal visit?

Barry: Well... It was really sweet o' you guys to put me up at th' Pleasantview Country Club and Dry-Cleaners, or whatever they call that joint...

Luke: That would be the Pleasantview Country Club and Spa.

Barry (to Luke): Jus' a li'l joke, kid. And what's your name?

Luke: Luke. Luke Tian.

Barry (shaking Luke's hand): Like Luke Skywalker in Star Wars? (Luke smiles and nods.) Neat! Nice t' meetcha, kid. (to Foxster) Anyway, the country club is nice an' all, but us creative types need t' be 'round our own kind, y'know? (pause) So I was sorta hopin' I could stay here with you folks while I'm playin' the gig at Kewl Beanz!

The Foxster and Tara exchange panicked looks.

Foxster: Hey, Barry... uhhh... not that I wouldn't love that under ordinary circumstances, but... (looking at Tara) Honey, is all of our personal stuff moved out of SnL Studios?

Tara (nodding): Yep. Everything. Books, CDs, LPs, 45s, all paperwork, even our computers... (smiling) And even more books! It's already loaded into a rented truck and ready for a call from us to deliver it. (pause) We still have to go shopping for some furniture so we won't be sleeping on the floor tonight...

Foxster: Then there's an empty room, with a bed, at the studio. (to Luke) Think you could set Barry up in my old room, and just kinda look after him for the next few days? (Tara silently mouths an enthusiastic "I love you!" at the Foxster.)

Luke: No problem, Mr. Foxster. Besides, Mr. Skipster and Gretchen will finally be coming back in a few days. What could possibly go wrong in the meantime? (All four laugh.)

Luke carries Barry's suitcases to the limo. After saying their goodbyes, Luke and Barry leave.

Tara: You are a freaking genius! I really couldn't see our first night in our new home being shared with that drunken letch.

Foxster (gently): Neither could I, but don't be so quick to judge Barry. The last few years haven't been very kind to him. (The Foxster hands Tara the house key and removes his cell phone from his pocket.) Tell you what, hon. You let yourself in, and I'll follow as soon as I make a couple of quick phone calls.

The Foxster starts looking through his pockets again, frowning.

Tara: What are you looking for?

Foxster: My cigarettes. (brief pause) Oh. Yeah. (brief pause) Force of habit.

Tara: Sure you don't want to come in with me? (pause) Maybe... carry me across the threshold?

Foxster (smiling): Heh. Some... other time... perhaps?

Tara winks at the Foxster and enters the house. The Foxster calls the moving company and arranges to have his and Tara's belongings delivered. Then he calls his executive assistant, Vickie Wickie.

Vickie's voice: Hello?

Foxster: Hi, Vickie, Foxster here. Quick question for you: Do you know a Milo Fenderbender?

Vickie (taken aback): Uhh... I... umm... No! Why... why do you ask?

Foxster: I know he shows up at Kewl Beanz! a lot, and since you're always running in and out of there on SnL business...

Vickie's voice (recovering): Oh, well, sure I've met him, but I don't know him, really. Why?

Foxster: His name keeps cropping up, and I'm just getting a bad feeling...

Vickie's voice: Oh, I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, Mr. Foxster. (pause) He's very popular with the other customers. (pause) And I know Tara just loves him.

Foxster (after a long pause): I see. (brief pause) Thanks, Vickie, and... Keep this conversation between the two of us, okay?

Vickie's voice: Of course, Mr. Foxster. Anything to help.

Foxster disconnects.

* * * * *

To Be Continued...


  1. Oooooh... I always want it to continue! OK...hurry up and post the next chapter! haha...I know, I know...easier said than done!

  2. This is a very good reading... you guys are getting better and better!
    I shall be back...( I know, a Female Chinese saying that?!)

  3. Tara,try to be a little more obvious. Foxster might actually get a clue, lol.
    Foxster, watch that snake. She might be getting ready to slide out of that skin.

  4. @Dreamhaven: Oh, you mean the "threshold" remark? Well, he did say "some other time, perhaps," so who knows?