Monday, June 21, 2010

Act V "Some Idle Thoughts" - The Doomsday Matter

WPLJ-TV Announcer's Voice: We interrupt our regularly scheduled program of Spy Guys for an editorial rebuttal from Dewey Mellen, editor-in-chief of the Pleasantview Poop Sheet.

Dewey: Citizens of Pleasantview, plus those of neighboring Porterview who are close enough to the WPLJ tower to receive this transmission! Good morning, or evening, or whenever the management at WPLJ decides to air this... probably around 3 a.m. in the morning, if I know them... (pause) Anyway, in a recent editorial by this station's general manager, Ian Cumming, Mr. Cumming editorialized against recent anti-British sentiments expressed by outraged Pleasantview Americans. These outraged Pleasantview Americans I speak of are outraged by the disastrous BP oil disaster which I, in my capacity as editor-in-chief and staff reporter for the Pleasantview Poop Sheet -- available daily in most local retail outlets at a per-copy cost of only fifty cents per copy, or one dollar on Sundays -- unearthed early last week. (pause) In his regularly-scheduled early-morning program, "Cumming At Your Breakfast Table," Mr. Cumming said that it is unfair for our Pleasantview citizens to blame our foreign allies as a whole for the unfortunate situation in the Gulf, or as he himself put it, "It is unfair for our Pleasantview citizens to blame our foreign allies as a whole for the unfortunate situation in the Gulf." Well, as Colonel Harry Potter on M*A*S*H would have said... "Horse hockey!" Don't you people understand what is going on here?!? Not content with changing the name of my Dutch forebears' beloved New Amsterdam to New York so many years ago, the British -- and make no mistake, these so-called "British" are the very same race as the English, who no doubt changed the name of their country to avoid embarrassment over what they've done to our own American native language -- are obviously staging this "accident" as a reprisal for our patriotic forefathers' Boston Tea Party! To this affront, citizens of Pleasantview, I can only offer up a battle cry: "Heck, no! Stop the flow!" We must band together as brothers -- and sisters, too, as I suppose we must, because of all that equal rights stuff -- and fight these terrorists, much as my own father, Crenshaw Mellen, came out publicly against Adolf Hitler and his Nazi followers as early as 1944!

At this point, an exasperated WPLJ Cameraman sighs, shakes his head, and laughingly mutters something to a nearby stagehand. Dewey responds to what he thinks the man has said.

Dewey (to WPLJ Cameraman): "What a hassle?" My fellow citizen, it's more than a mere hassle! It is a catastrophe of catastrophic proportions! (Dewey pauses, then addresses the viewers once again.) Now, rather than sit on my hands and scratch my head, I have offered my expertise to various political groups, starting with the Tea Party, and then moving on to the Coffee Party, the Mr. Pibb Party, the Nehi Party, and others. Those who have read and replied to my extensive resumé and accompanying cover letter have reluctantly informed me that they currently have no openings for new members, so I have taken it upon myself to revive the party of the late, lamented presidential candidate, Patrick Layton Paulsen, the Straight-Talking American Government Party... or "STAG" Party, for short. I hereby declare my intention to throw caution to the breaking wind, and my hat into the rink, and...

The WPLJ Cameraman gives Dewey the traditional "Time" signal.

Dewey: What? I'm out of time already? But I haven't...

WPLJ-TV Announcer's Voice: That was an editorial rebuttal from Dewey Mellen, editor-in-chief of the Pleasantview Poop Sheet. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program of Spy Guys, already in progress.

* * * * *
Scene One (in progress): We suddenly see Buffy and the Skipster standing by a beautiful woodland waterfall. Pretty music is playing.

Buffy: Wow! I promise that your secret will always be safe with me, Skipster.

Skipster: I trust you, Buffy. (The Skipster gives Buffy a small kiss.) Now, let's get back to the van.

Fade out.
* * * * *
Announcer: Spy Guys will return after a word from our sponsor.
* * * * *

Scene Two: Louisville, Kentucky. Monday. 7 pm. The "Spy Guys" -- the Skipster, Mr. Winter, Glory Becker, John Slate, Kitt Kittridge, and Buffy Pleasant -- are sitting in a rented seven-passenger mini-van. They are now intently studying the screen of Agent John Slate's laptop computer, where he is busy inputting data. They are all smoking Tareyton cigarettes.

Slate: When Mr. Winter thought that the fellow on our spycam was Eric Idle, I remembered that Mr. Idle had a connection to the original Rutles. I also remembered that while we were on the plane, one of my web searches revealed that there was going to be a huge Rutles Convention here in Louisville.

Mr. Winter: It's such a shame about Eric Idle. I always thought he was such a gifted young man. Why would he want to destroy the world? It would make more sense for John Cleese...

The computer screen suddenly displays a photo of Eric Idle from his fansite. Slate studies the site for a moment.

Slate: Hmmm. It appears that Eric Idle is appearing in London this week, performing in a live stage show based upon Monty Python's The Life Of Brian. (Slate crushes his cigarette.)

Glory: So, that man with the key... is an Idle impersonator? (Glory crushes her cigarette.)

Slate: It would appear so. Let me check something else. (Slate logs in to GLOBE's database.) Anyone have a cigarette?

(Mr. Winter gives Slate a Tareyton. He lights up.)
Slate: Too bad these don't come in menthol...
Glory: Hmmm. That looks pretty good. Can I have a cigarette too?
(Mr. Winter gives Glory a Tareyton.)
Kittridge: Can I have two cigarettes?
(Mr. Winter gives Kittridge two cigarettes.)
Kittridge: I'm eating my cigarettes...
After a few seconds, the screen begins displaying a video file.
Slate: Here we go. Maybe this will tell us something.

The intrepid agents all crowd around the screen. They are all puffing away on Tareytons.

Skipster: That's interesting! All of the members of this Rutles tribute band have obviously undergone plastic surgery to resemble the original Rutles. They've even changed their names! (pause) Dirk McQuickly's name is spelled wrong in this video, though.

Mr. Winter: It's a pretty common problem, Skipster. It's hard to find desent data inputt perssonnell that kan spel corectly.

Kittridge: This is nuts! We know where the key to the Doomsday Clock is, and we know who has it! I say we just get the key back! Shoot the bastard if we have to! How the hell do we know where in the world Eric Idle/Dirk McQuickly a/k/a "Mike Rotch" is going to be next?

Slate (studying the computer screen)


Looks like he's staying right here.

Glory: What do you mean, John?

Slate: Mike Rotch is right here.

Mr. Winter: Of course your crotch is right here! I can see it!

Slate: I mean, "Cheese 'N' Onions" are scheduled to perform tomorrow at noon, in a huge concert that will be carried live all over the world via satellite.

Glory: So we'll have all the bad eggs in one basket. Then we can nab 'em at noon tomorrow. Break the yolks if we have to.

Mr. Winter: That sounds like an excellent plan, Miss Becker! It'll also give us the opportunity for some much-needed sleep. I missed my afternoon nap, and when that happens, I tend to easily get confused.

Kittridge rolls his eyes and mutters to himself.

Kittridge: So that's his problem.

Skipster: Then I suggest we make our way back to "SnL One." It's got lots of space onboard, and plenty of sleeping accommodations. We'll be able to rest up, and still track the key.

Mr. Winter: Good idea, Skipster! That sounds like an excellent plan! Could we stop at a convenience store along the way? I need to pick up a carton of Tareytons. You know, "They have the taste worth fighting for."

Skipster: Well, normally we don't allow smoking onboard the plane... but since we'll all be smoking Tareytons, I think I can look the other way. (Holding up a pack of Tareytons, he winks at the camera. Freeze frame.)


  1. Can't wait until Sharp Eyed Reader shows up and points out the blatent Pleonasm in this writing! So sad. :)

  2. There was blatent Pleonasm in this writing! So sad...

  3. @Betsy: You are amazingly perceptive.

    @Sharpie: You are amazingly perceptive.

    (By the way, Sharpie, I had some eyeglasses similar to yours when I was about eight years old. Got 'em at a carnival.)

  4. Hey! You guys DO know that you can't advertise cigarettes anymore right? Your blog is breaking the law. You better watch out because you guys are going to jail. So sad...

  5. @Sharpie: Stayed up all night thinking up that one, huh, pal?

    From Wikipedia: "In April 1970, Congress passed the Public Health Cigarette Smoking Act banning the advertising of cigarettes on television and radio starting on January 2, 1971." [emphasis mine]

    This is a blog. Suck it up. (Errr... No pun intended.)

  6. You're going to lose all your British readers after posting this one. So sad...

  7. @Sharpie: Never confuse a character's opinions with those of this blog's writer(s)! The only one against the British is Dewey, and as I like to point out -- although it should be apparent anyway -- Dewey is an idiot! This guy makes Sarah Palin look like a political expert. If you truly want to be "sharp-eyed," maybe you need new lenses! (By the way, I finally got around to reading your Blogger profile. What's your favorite song, "When You Wish Upon a Star," by any chance? "Lucky Star" by Madonna? "Star" by Stealer's Wheel? "Highway Star" by Deep Purple? "Star Baby" by The Guess Who?) Or maybe "Stardust?"

  8. Wrong. The clue is in MY profile, wise-guy!

  9. @Sharpie: "Starman" by David Bowie?

  10. Yeah. Never thought you'd get it. So sad...