Saturday, June 5, 2010

WHO'S WHO in PLEASANTVIEW ~~ Part Four


Silver Fox here. Heads up, fellow babies! I say "heads," because today's new WHO'S WHO in PLEASANTVIEW post contains profiles of a fur-head, an airhead, a dyed head, and a d**k-head! You've been "warned."

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Orson the Cat -- Orson is the Foxster's over-fed pet, approximately four years old in "human" years. During the Skipster/Foxster feud, the Skipster actually had Orson "kidnapped" from Massachusetts to Alabama by Luke Tian. The Foxster jetted down to Simpson Studio, in a vain attempt to reclaim his beloved pet. This resulted in a chance meeting between the Foxster and Tara King. Tara was immediately attracted to the Foxster's handsome face; he in turn was immediately attracted to the legs revealed by her mini-skirt. Soon after, Tara impulsively spirited Orson away from Simpson Studio, and the two of them arrived shortly thereafter at the Foxster's bachelor pad in Massachusetts. (And the rest, as we've said before, is history.) Sometime later, the coffee-drinking cat was viciously kicked by the newly-employed Vickie Wickie. Orson suffered two broken ribs which caused a traumatic pneumothorax. Luckily, keen observation by Luke Tian, who subsequently rushed Orson to Pleasantview Animal Hospital, saved Orson's life. He's currently healthy, happy, and presumably well-fed in the Foxster's new home... but he sorely misses Tara.

Carla the Receptionist -- Carla, last name unknown (probably even to her), is the receptionist at Simpson/Lynch Studios. She is somewhere in her forties, and is rumored to have relocated to Alabama from New York City. Carla was hired after an evidently-lackadaisical screening process conducted by both the Skipster and the Foxster. Her work "skills" are debatable; she rarely gets two messages correctly in a row. Carla speaks in a monotone and has an exasperating habit of identifying herself fully each time she calls the Skipster or the Foxster via the studio intercom system ("Mr. Skipster? This is Carla, from downstairs." "Yes, Carla, we know where you are.") and has a penchant for both herbal teas and what she refers to as... umm... "herbal cigarettes."

Barry Cabana -- Born Barnard Cavanaugh over sixty years back, Barry is a fading singer/entertainer. He was one of the Foxster's earliest employers almost fifteen ago -- albeit for only a few weeks -- and the Foxster feels indebted to Barry to this day for the various lessons he learned from the singer. Barry's voice is nowhere near as good as it was when he was at the pinnacle of his career, ten to thirty years ago, when he was known far and wide as "Mr. Broadway." He has had at least three face-lifts, and although his hair's current natural color is chalk-white, he dyes it black with what he self-mockingly describes as "shoe polish." Barry "comes on" as being arrogant, sexist, and abrasive, but those traits all hide a massive insecurity and a realization that he is well past his prime. In a softer, charitable moment, Barry took in Pleasantview's sole homeless individual and allowed the man to stay with him at Simpson/Lynch Studios... whereupon the two men drank excessively and "trashed the place."

Dewey Mellen -- It is often said that every town needs one good newspaper. Unfortunately, Pleasantview has Dewey Mellen's Pleasantview Poop Sheet instead! "Dashing Dewey," as he -- and only he -- calls himself, was an English teacher and the advisor to the yearbook staff at Pleasantview High School until a few short years ago. (If you're wondering how competent he was while there, he not only listed the senior class members' redundantly-titled "future goals," but also headed the school's "Edgar Alan [sic] Poe Society!") After several of what Dewey himself has described as "lonely, overweight, and unpopular female students" complained to school officials about Dewey's unnerving attempts at "reaching out," he was asked to resign, whereupon he began devoting all of his time to Pleasantview's only newspaper (which Dewey had inherited from his late father). Dewey serves as its Editor-in-Chief, staff reporter, and advertising director. Dewey is undeservedly egotistical -- he understandably "struck out" more than once when asking Dr. Jane Kildeer for a date, for example, and now believes she simply doesn't care to date any man his age -- and is extremely sloppy when fact-checking his articles for the Pleasantview Poop Sheet. Only his page five local gossip column, Dewey's Doings, appears without need for later corrections of misspellings or goofs of a similar nature... and that's only thanks to his own mother, who proofreads Dewey's Doings, but not the rest of the paper. In other words, putting it much more succinctly... Dewey's an idiot.

Coming Soon: A special "All in the Family" post in Part Five of WHO'S WHO in PLEASANTVIEW!

Thanks for your time.

8 comments:

  1. I thoroughly enjoyed this one!

    Orson got injured by a kick from Vickie? Wow..I must have completely missed that episode! She's even worse than I thought...if that was possible! And how is it that she was not fired for kicking the boss's cat?

    For some reason I love this bit and never tire of it as it makes me laugh every time...
    "Mr. Skipster? This is Carla, from downstairs." "Yes, Carla, we know where you are."

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  2. @Betsy: In "New Blood" (January 12th) -- Vickie's first appearance -- during an SnL conference scene where the staff got to meet her, she was cuddling up to the "cute little kitty," even to the point of petting him while he rested in her lap. As soon as everyone else had left, she threw him to the floor. The poor li'l guy approached her again in bewilderment, and she lashed out with a "vicious" kick. We didn't know how badly he was hurt until the next post, "'Petty' Details." And to this day, since there were no witnesses, she hasn't paid for her crime.

    And here's a little challenge for you (and anyone else who wants to "play"), Betsy: We will never officially state it on the blog, but Carla is the daughter of a famous sitcom supporting character (not the actor or actress, the character). All the clues are in this WHO'S WHO entry. Any takers?

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  3. Sharp-Eyed ReaderJune 5, 2010 at 9:42 PM

    Awww come on! That is SO easy! Carla is obviously the daughter of Carla Tortelli on "Cheers" who was played by Ron Perlman! If you guys are going to start having trivia contests, at least try to make them more challenging! So sad...

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  4. @Sharpie: Sorry, Sharpie. SnL's Carla has no relation to Cheers' Carla. And it wasn't Ron Perlman who played Carla Tortelli, it was his brother, Itzhak Perlman, the violin virtuoso who later became the Prime Minister of Israel!

    (I can't wait to see if any of this s**t winds up on Wikipedia.)

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  5. Don't you guys mean Rhea Perlman? She played Carla on Cheers...not Ron.

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  6. @Betsy: Uhhh... you're right, of course. "Confession" time: Sharpie and I were playing a game I've been playing with various friends for years, where we purposely confuse names (and relationships)... like I referred to Ron's "brother," Itzhak Perlman, "who later became the Prime Minister of Israel" (purposely confusing Itzhak Perlman with Yitzhak Rabin.)

    I was at a party in the 1980s where Skip Simpson and I -- along with a handful of others -- kept this kinda crap up for about twenty minutes. You had to be there...

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  7. Well, I'm so surprised Sharp Eyed Reader didn't catch that herself...or himself. ;)

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  8. Well, Sharp-Eyed Reader started it by saying "Ron Perlman," so I figured he or she knew the game!

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