Friday, July 30, 2010

Act VII "The Prisoner" - The Doomsday Matter

Announcer: "Spy Guys" will begin after this commercial message.

Scene One: Onboard the private Boeing 777-232ER that is known affectionately as "SnL One." It is early Tuesday morning. The Skipster and Buffy Pleasant are arriving in the conference area, after a night of passionate lovemaking, where the rest of the GLOBE agents have gathered.
Buffy: (whispers to Skipster) I love the scent of "Hai Karate" on a man in the morning...
Seated at the conference table are Mister Winter, Glory Becker, and John Slate. Mister Winter looks up, and acknowledges their arrival.
Mr. Winter: Ah! Miss Pleasant and Skipster. I trust you both had a very restful night. (Glory and Slate suppress knowing smiles. Buffy winks and gives a "thumbs up" sign. The Skipster glances at her.) Today is the day we save the world. Any questions?
Skipster: Um, any sign of Kittridge?
Slate: I've tracked his combination i.d. badge and locator chip to what appears to be an adandoned warehouse in a dangerous part of town. Do you want me to go and get him?
Mr. Winter: Negative, Agent Slate. Either one of two things could have happened. He's either drunk and passed out, or he's being held against his will by enemy forces in order to coax us into a trap.
Buffy: But, what if he is being held prisoner and they kill him?
Mr. Winter: Miss Pleasant, he knows the risks involved. I am not going to be sending my staff into an obvious death trap. Our job is to recover the key to the Doomsday Clock from "Cheese 'n Onions."
Glory: (Interjecting) Which is The Rutles' tribute band, that will performing in a live telecast at noon that will be seen by every man, woman and child on the planet.
Mr. Winter: (Nodding) Exactly, Agent Becker. I'm afraid Agent Kittridge will have to rely upon his wits and intelligence.
Slate: (Slowly shaking his head) Then he's a dead man for sure.
Scene Two: The basement of an abandoned warehouse in a dangerous part of town. Kitt Kittridge is seated on a hard wooden chair with his wrists handcuffed behind him, and slowly regaining consciousness from being shot with a tranquilizer dart. Standing around him are Banjo, T-Bone and Cletus, otherwise known as "The Flying Risotto Brothers."

Banjo: Looks like Sleeping Beauty is coming to.
T-Bone: How did a guy like him ever make it into GLOBE?
Cletus: Yeah. He's worthless. (Giggles)
Kittridge: (Murmuring) Speak for yourself, asshole. (Cletus angrily raises his arm to strike Kittridge, but is held back by Banjo.)
Banjo: Not yet, you idiot. We've gotta wait for the boss to arrive in an hour.
Kittridge: (Peering up at Banjo) Hmph... I kinda figured you had to have someone a little higher up in the food chain. So, what's the plan? Hold the world ransom? Demand control of some country? Scare nuns and orphans?
Cletus: (His left leg begins trembling) Ha! You have no idea!
T-Bone: (To Banjo) Oh no! He's getting that way again!
Banjo: (Sighs) Once he gets that way, there's just no stopping him.
Cletus: I bet you wanna know what the plan is, huh?
Kittridge: Frankly. I couldn't care less.
Cletus: (Angrily) Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway!
(Banjo and T-Bone simultaneously do "facepalms.")
Cletus: We got the professor locked up in a cell back there, and...
Cletus is suddenly cut short as his eyes suddely bulge out and a river of bright red blood begins flowing out of his mouth. He piches forward and hits the hard stone floor. Kittridge looks down and sees a smoking bullethole in the back of Cletus's head. The remaining Risotto brothers turn and see two silhouetted male figures who have quietly entered the basement.
T-Bone: Boss! We weren't expecting...
T-Bone is suddenly cut short, as another bullet from a silenced pistol burrows into his forehead, killing him instantly. Banjo watches his brother fall backwards onto the hard stone floor. Banjo furtively looks at the two silhouetted figures who are slowly walking into the room.
Banjo: Boss! Hey!!! We captured this GLOBE agent! He's gonna lead the rest of them into our trap!
The advancing figures have now come into the light, and Kittridge can make out the faces of a tall bearded man wearing an expensive suit, and his plump companion wearing a t-shirt and shorts who is holding the gun. The bearded man speaks slowly and softly, with definite traces of menace.
Bearded Man: Oh yes. The trap. (He comes to a halt a few feet from Banjo.) The trap that has worked so well, that this man's comrades have decided to ignore it completely.
Kittridge: (Doing a double-take) They've what??? How dare they???
Bearded Man: It appears that your last minute deviation in the plan has been for nothing. Mister Winter may appear to be a doddering old idiot, but at one time he was the best field agent GLOBE ever had, and can smell an obvious trap a mile away. Sadly, he's become but a shell of his former self, where he has resorted to hiring uncouth riffraff such as this. (Indicating Kittridge)
Kittridge: Hey!!!
Banjo: (Sweating profusely) Now... wait a minute here! Didn't we get that professor for ya? And didn't we make that fake Doomsday Clock that got delivered to GLOBE?
Bearded Man: On which you misspelled the name...
Banjo: Well... we DID say we were sorry for that...
Bearded Man: Oh yes. The clock that was delivered to GLOBE. The fake Doomsday Clock... the clock that also happened to get delivered with THE REAL KEY!
Banjo: It was a mixup I tell ya! BOTH keys looked alike! (Pause) And you got the real one back, dincha?
Bearded Man: Oh yes. We got it back. And we also attracted the attention of GLOBE in what should have been a very simple plan.
Kittridge: (Who has been listening to all of this, shakes his head and chuckles to himself) Wow! What a sorry bunch of shitheads.
Bearded Man: (Looks at Kittridge with a sly smile) Yes. (Pause) They were...
The heavy-set man pulls the trigger, and one silenced shot later, Banjo joins his dearly departed brothers in the "undiscovered country from which no traveler returns." The bearded man and the heavy set man slowly approach Kittridge.
Kittridge: Hey... nice work, guys! Thanks for saving me the trouble! (Cheerfully) Now, why don't you let me out of these cuffs so I can get back to some serious drinking?
Bearded Man: I have a better idea. Why don't you tell us what you know?
Kittridge: I have an even better idea. Why don't you tell me who you are???
Bearded Man: (Smiles) Of course. My associate is Arthur Prunesqualor. I am Bruno Drake.

Kittridge: You're Bruno Drake??? I've heard about you. You're the number two man in ENEMA! You really should try harder... (Pause) Say, didn't you have your mountaintop retreat blown out from under your ass a few months ago?

Drake: (Grimaces) It was a minor inconvenience. (Shudders and shakes his head) But, I thought I knew all of the active GLOBE agents. I really don't know who you are.
Kittridge: Really? I'm gonna have to fire my P.R. man! The name's Kittridge. Kitt Kittridge. I'd shake your hand, but I'm kinda tied up at the moment. (Pause) So you really don't know anything about me, huh? Well then, let me enlighten you, Sparky. (Prunesquallor aims his pistol at Kittridge's head.) Hey! Easy big guy! We're all friends here, right? Just gettin' to know each other, right? Oh, and by the way big guy... you kinda smell like pork grease. Maybe you should use a little more "Hai Karate."
Drake: You are really starting to bore me...
Kittridge: Really? Hmmm... okay let me tell you a little about myself. And stop me if you've heard this one before...
Drake rolls his eyes.
Drake: Mister Kittridge, if you think you're just buying time awaiting a rescue...
Kittridge: Nahh. You already said the cavalry's not coming, didn'tcha? Anyhoo... I used to be a thief. Not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill thief mind you... but a real arteeste! I was a notorious cat burglar in Europe. In France I was known as "Renard." That's French for "fox," doncha know? There wasn't a lock or a vault that could keep me out. And, I have a few hobbies here and there. I love to do magic! Do y'all like magic?
Drake: (Drake shakes his head) Are you planning to make yourself disappear?
Kittridge: Nah! Nothing like that! But I do have this really great trick. It's called "handcuff escape." (From behind his back Kittridge neatly produces an unlocked set of handcuffs.) See?
Drake's eyes suddely grow huge. With newly-freed hands, Kittridge quickly jumps up and snatches the gun from Arthur Prunesqualor. Deftly flipping it in the air, he grabs the handle and coldly shoots his large adversary at point-blank range. Arthur Prunesqualor falls dead onto the hard stone floor.
Kittridge: Sorry, Porky. You were just small potatoes. (Looks at Drake) But you on the other hand... (Aiming carefully, he fires a round into Drake's left kneecap. Drake crumples in pain.) Aw, gee. Does it hurt? Let me take your pain away. (Kittridge picks up a tranquilizer gun from a nearby table, and shoots Drake in the neck. Drake is immediately knocked unconscious. Kittridge takes the handcuffs and binds Drake's wrists behind his back, removing Drake's expensive Rolex and placing it on his own wrist.) Okay... now let me see you get out of them! (looking around) Okay... let's go find that "professor". (Sees a heavy door a few feet away) Okay... let's pick door number one, Monty. (Kittridge finds the door locked.) Well now... I suppose I could pick the lock... or... (reaching for key ring hanging next to the door) we could just do it the easy way. (Kittridge enters and finds himself in a small cell. In the corner is a very weak old man who sees Kittridge. This is "The Professor.")

Professor: W...who are you?

Kittridge: The Lone Ranger. Who are you?
Professor: I'm the man that helped develop the Doomsday Clock. My name is Roy Hinkley.
Kittridge: Well, the good news is... your time is up and you're free to go. I for one, have a concert to attend. I'd love to have you tag along, but as I only have one backstage pass...
Kittridge turns to leave, but the Professor stops him.
Professor: Wait! If you're going to the Doomsday Clock, there's something you should know. Listen... (Kittridge draws closer.)
Scene Three: A few minutes later. Kittridge is sitting behind the wheel of the stolen black Borgatti sportscar. He expertly hotwires the ignition, and goes speeding towards the site of the "Cheese 'n Onions" concert. As he comes to a red light, a bearded man wearing dark glasses, and who is obviously very drunk suddenly staggers out in the middle of the road, and pounds angrily on the hood of the car.
Man: You sonofabitch! Give me my car back!!!



  1. Here's where you guys went wrong THIS time:
    1. You created great characters in the Rissoto Brothers and then you killed them off. Or are they really dead? Could Enema resurrect them?
    2. You created a great character in that Arther guy and then you killed him off? What gives? Are you planning to resurrect him too?
    3. You've made Kittredge a stupid character for all the episodes, and you suddenly make him smart? You guys are grasping at straws here. If a person is stupid, then they'll always be stupid. Unless you kill them and resurrect them.
    So sad...

  2. Sharpie... thanks you much for your kind comments regarding our "great characters." We are really proud and humbled by the reactions that our valued readers, such as yourself have had through these many months. This is what makes blogging such a fun and enjoyable experience for all of us, and a joy to read comments from valued readers such as yourself.

  3. I've been recovering from minor surgery - so I'm feeling bum. Still stopped by to say Hi! Love the names of your characters. "Risotto Brothers" just cracks me up. And by the way... you all could stop by my blog once in a while. I miss you when you are not there. Hard to miss you when you ARE there, of course, but if I ever do, call a doctor.

  4. Hey! Skip Simpson's response sounded very much like a "form letter!" Are you SURE he's not dead?

  5. @Sharpie: Well, Skip says he's alive, and I generally tend to believe him...

  6. You say he may be alive, but the crap he and that Sandy guy are doing lately is deadsville. When are you idiots going to end this Spy stuff and get back to writing good stuff? I'd like to see you guys write a story about outer space.