Balcomb started off by parroting the words of former President George H.W. Bush (who originally recommended Balcomb to his lifetime $450,000 a year job), saying, "For the record, we want to be a kinder, gentler nation. 'Fool' is a derogatory term. We would prefer alternatives, such as 'cerebrally challenged,' 'scholarly dysfunctional,' or even 'factually unencumbered.'
* * * * *
Still Even MORE Of My Relatives - A Dark Reddish Brown Wednesday Post
Not ever having an original thought of their own in their sad and miserable lives, they decided to emulate the notorious bank robbers "Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow." Uncle Eddie quit his day job at "White Castle Hamburgers" and proceeded to form a gang, which he referred to as, "The Gang."
The gang was made up of Percival Whitehall Smythe (a transplanted Englishman who was a disgruntled cheesemaker), W.D. Phorty (a frustrated inventor who was searching for a new lubricant in a spray can), and Herbert Herbert (the only gang member that is known to have survived, and who ultimately escaped to West Virginia.)
They attempted their first robbery in Worcester, Massachusetts in late November of 1933. Uncle Eddie and his gang brazenly strode into the bank, and he passed a note which read, " This iz a stikup. Gif me al yor monee."
Unfortunately, the entire gang (except for the elusive Herbert Herbert), were gunned down by an 83-year old security guard named Philo T. Farnsworth, who Uncle Eddie had stupidly passed the note to.
This effectively ended their rather short-lived career.
I wish I could write more... but let's face it. These guys were idiots.
That Homeless Man on Chandler Street - Conclusion
(As a special treat to my fellow babies, the long-awaited conclusion of a story begun in 2004, or thereabouts.)
Russell turned to Mac Kinnonhugh with a sly smile. "I thought you'd never say that." Mac smiled that "knowing smile" that indicated he always knew when his smiling friend was full of smiling sh*t.
"It shouldn't come as a big surprise," Mac smiled. "I remember when we watched that M*A*S*H episode..." His voiced trailed off, thinking about the night that all three of them -- Russell, Mac, and Suzie Creamcheese -- sat on the cheap sofa in Russell's apartment, watching every episode from the second season, with smiles on their smiling faces.
Mac thought back on Suzie, shook his head, and muttered a low "D*mn."
"Suzie Creamcheese" wasn't her actual name of course. It was Susan Kraft. The two young men had met the pimply-faced, frizzy haired young woman with a rather large nose, late one night as they waited to pick up their respective pizza orders at "Taki's Greek Pizza."
Taki Portapotkis (whose real name was Peter), was a Greek immigrant who had come to America with dreams of fame and fortune. He finally realized his dream when he opened a pizza joint. The fortune was soon to follow. Russell and Mac had discovered the little place late one night, after their favorite watering hole, "John's Bar" had closed.
"John's Bar" was owned by John Val Jean, a burly man in his late 50's who could always be found there. He was always quick with a joke, or to light up a smoke, but it was always suspected among the customers, that there was somewhere that he'd rather be.
Possibly with his girlfriend of the last ten years, Roxanne Himalayas.
A hot-blooded Latina from South America, she occasionally worked at the bar alongside John. She would be very helpful to him and encourage him to save electricity whenever he could. Finally her constant preachings of conservation paid off, as John told her early one evening, "I think I've decided to save some money. Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light."
Roxanne had just smiled.
When Susan Kraft had told them her full name, Russell's warped sense of humor had caused him to blurt out, "Oh. Suzie Creamcheese, huh?" and the name had stuck.
"Suzie" began stopping by Russell's apartment a lot, and would join them for marathon M*A*S*H sessions, smoking a few joints in the process. One night, while Russell was at work and Mac was watching episode 103, Suzie had let herself in with the key that was always cleverly hidden under the welcome mat. She had sat next to Mac for a long time, occasionally helping herself to the Miller High Life that he kept well-stocked in the refrigerator. Five beers later, she turned to him. Her beady little eyes rolling around in her head, behind her thick glasses.
"Mac. May I ask you something?"
"Shoot," Mac had answered, his eyes glued to the screen, his lips mouthing the dialogue that he had memorized from countless viewings of the same episode.
"Are you gay?"
Mac hit the pause button on the remote. He looked directly into Suzie's face. Finally, he chuckled nervously. "F**k No! Of course not! What would make you ask a question like that? Heh heh."
Suzie looked down at her oversized feet demurely. "Because... you've never tried to kiss me, fondle me... or touch me in any way. You've never even tried to stick your tongue in my mouth. Is it my big fu**ing nose?"
Mac's flashback suddenly ended when he heard Russell say, "Yeah. That was episode 47."
Mac angrily glanced at Russell. "No. It was 46."
"Are you sure?"
Mac sighed. "Look, big fu**ing nose... I've got the entire boxed set. I've memorized the dialogue for every single episode!"
* * * * *
Oh, crap, fellow babies! I know I promised to post this today, but there's a knock on my door, and it's... Well, never mind who it is, but she's insisting I shut down my computer, so I'm going to have to make my next post the conclusion of "That Homeless Man on Chandler Street," okay?
Thanks for your-- Gotta go!
(Heh heh. That oughta get "The Silver Fox" good! I doubt he has the creativity, and the foresight to come up with anything against "little old me" in his April first post! Vootie!)