From Page Five of the Pleasantview Poop Sheet, April thirtieth:
(The up-to-the-minute, complete-as-we-can-get-it, lowdown on Pleasantview's mad social whirl, contributed by Editor-in-Chief, staff reporter, and advertising director, "Dashing" Dewey Mellen! Proofreading provided by staff member Irene "Mom" Mellen!)
Hi, fans, here's old "Dashing Dewey" with whatever groovy gossip has crossed my desk in the past twenty-four hours. And HEY! How did that HAM SANDWICH get in here, ha-ha!
Rumor has it: This roving reporter has been repeatedly hearing stories that dark storm clouds have arisen in the personal lives of the team of Simpson & Lynch at the Simpson/Lynch Studios. First we heard that the Foxster's paramour, the lovely and perky Tara King, went ballistic and decided to go splitsville. Then we heard that the Skipster's fiancée, the fetching Gretchen Von Grüber, suddenly called off their engagement for an undisclosed reason. The local buzz mentions a lot of yelling, suicide attempts, and guns fired into the ceiling, but these stories remain largely unsubstantiated. Repeated calls by this intrepid reporter have been repeatedly ignored.
Seen about town: Pleasantview Community Hospital's own Dr. Jane Kildeer, on the arm of... no one! That's right! The red-tressed temptress is evidently Pleasantview's Most Eligible Bachelorette. And here's a tip for all you younger guys to try your luck, as the dollish doctor is apparently not interested in men her own age and/or older, judging from a few subtle attempts by this reporter to score a home run in that particular ballpark.
Here's an item directed at those wacky, zany, party-going manly-men types here in Pleasantview: According to the Assistant Manager of Kewl Beanz!, Bella Vergara, there is no "other" in her life, significant or otherwise, ha-ha! Looks like this cuddly Colombian is Pleasantview's Most Eligible Bachelorette.
A lot of you have asked me what the Poop's scoop is on the new brick building on the Pleasantview/Porterview line, Global Telecommunications. That's the new one with the big antenna and huge satellite dishes in the backyard, and the helicopter on the roof.
Well, as it turns out, it is not a place to pay your cell phone or cable bills. Whatever they do there, it's pretty boring, according to Global Telecommunications' receptionist, Pleasantview's own Annabell-Lee Pleasant. Miss Pleasant, who was known variously as "Chipmunk Cheeks," "Wide Glide," and "Buffy" when she attended Pleasantview High School just a few short years ago, was cordial but otherwise standoffish with this reporter, no doubt forgetting that when she was a drab and unpopular high school senior, a certain advisor to the Yearbook Staff went out of his way to make her feel wanted and appreciated, for all the good it ever did him! Of course, that was before certain school board officials, and one Superintendent of Schools who shall remain nameless, unfairly decided that this Yearbook Staff Advisor and English Teacher was stepping beyond the bounds of propriety in reaching out to many of the lonely, overweight, and unpopular female students in his heart-felt attempts to make them feel a sense of self-value, suggesting instead that he devote all of his time to that "silly little newspaper" he'd inherited from his late father, Crenshaw Mellen.
Anyway, I hope Miss Pleasant will realize someday that it takes more than a stylish make-over and an unhealthy reliance on the family name to make her a candidate for anything above and beyond this apparently dead-end job.
Finally, I must mention that yesterday's item about a budding romance between Town Clerk Carol Brady and Mayor Calvin T. Burnside was totally unfounded. This is according to repeated calls from Miss Brady, Mayor Burnside's Office, and the Law Offices of Flarn, Flarn, Flarn, & Felth. So it looks like Miss Brady is still Pleasantview's Most Eligible Bachelorette!
As Bugs Bunny always says, "That's All, Folks!" Tune in tomorrow for more Doings from Dashing Dewey, and I'll try to finish that HAM SANDWICH, ha-ha!
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And Coming May 4th: